The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)Bordeaux, Henry
General
The fear of living : $b (La peur de vivre)
Bordeaux, Henry
French fiction -- Translations into English
He was no longer absorbed by the exclusive worship of a woman. A wild
longing to live several lives at one and the same time seized upon him.
Voluptuous and heroic thoughts came and went quickly, and gained the
mastery over him in turn. Swiftly his mind reviewed his experiences
of the past. He lived again through his friendship with Marcel, and
that crossing of the desert, where perhaps, in solitude and danger, in
intense hardship and struggle, he had learnt the supreme lesson as he
realised the meaning of courage and unfaltering will. And the thought
of the brother brought him to that of the sister. From the beginning of
the evening he had put thoughts of Paule away from him. A few minutes
ago he had succeeded in forgetting her entirely. Why had she come into
his mind now, and why had this exalted music so untoward an effect? He
tried to banish her image rudely, though not without regret.
“Oh,” he thought, “if only she were as lovely as Isabelle.”
And again his eyes followed the line of the neck and shoulders whose
almost luminous surface magnetised him. He gave no thought to the
injustice and impropriety of the comparison. And yet he admitted with a
secret joy:
“_She_ has finer hair. Those black waves of hers must reach to her
knees.”
Isabelle turned to smile at him.
“_She_ has finer eyes,” he said to himself again. But those
eyes of which he thought looked reproachfully at him and he clearly
interpreted their expression.
“Why do you treat me with so little respect?” the faraway Paule seemed
to murmur. “Have I tried to lead you on by flirting with you as she
does? Have I ever forgotten my dignity or modesty in your presence?
If you do not love me, leave me in my lonely peace. Do not degrade
my pure youth by making a mere pleasure of my memory. But if you do
love me,--yes, if you love me,--why do you not find strength in your
love to resist temptations which, for all you know, may ruin the whole
course of your life. Come to me unfettered and proud. May I never read
degradation in your eyes! I do not know if I am the more beautiful, but
I love you, with a love that this woman can never know....”
Jean Berlier was no longer one of those men who go through life with
blinders on their eyes, unable to see the broad fields of man’s daily
labor which border the narrow path of their own passions. Once he had
looked only to his own immediate desires. Now he saw his life fully
and saw it whole, and from its source and its development he read the
presage of its future. Thus considered, love took on a new aspect. In
the place of mere gratification of the senses he put the charm of minds
that think together and that inward strength which springs from peace
at heart and the quiet life of home; in the place of the brief, violent
transports of passion, he put the instinct of the continuity of the
race.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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