The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
"She is still in a state of single blessedness. Every evening some one
of the Order of Seven Sweethearts may be seen seated by her side. They
ride with her, and walk with her, and talk love to her, but never
propose matrimony. Of course, the rules of the order forbid them to do
that; and never but once was a brother known to be unfaithful to his
vows. William Wiggins was the recreant member, and he was severely
punished for his want of fidelity."
"In what way?"
"He was tried and convicted of the grave offense of falling in love with
the land and negroes of a certain widow and proposing marriage. M. T.
Pate delivered the sentence of expulsion in a very feeling speech, which
drew tears from the eyes of every member of the brotherhood."
"What did Wiggins do?"
"Ostracized by his brethren, he proceeded to lay siege to the widow
with great activity, and with such success that she soon capitulated."
"And I suppose that they were married and----"
"You are too fast, Tom. They encountered a stumbling-block on their road
to the altar. Through the culpable negligence of his parents, Wiggins
had never been baptized, and the widow, being a strict member of the
church, would not consent to marry a man whose spiritual condition
approximated to that of a poor benighted heathen. She insisted that he
should either be sprinkled or immersed before the solemnization of the
nuptial ceremony. Wiggins, who was willing to undergo any ordeal for the
sake of the real and personal property of the bewitching widow, agreed
to be sprinkled; and it was arranged that the consecrated fluid should
be applied on the morning of an appointed day, and that they should be
married in the afternoon and immediately proceed on their wedding tour.
In the mean while Wiggins, in order to be fully prepared, procured a
book containing the usual questions and answers, and labored hard in
committing to memory the responses which would be required of him in
each ceremony. When the eventful day arrived, he flattered himself that
his preparation had been thorough; and in the first ceremony be
acquitted himself admirably. But when he stood before the altar with the
blushing widow be got strangely confused, and upon being asked, 'Wilt
thou have this woman for thy wedded wife?' to the utter astonishment of
the worthy clergyman he replied, in a decided tone, 'I renounce them
all, and pray God that I may not be led nor governed by them.' The widow
screamed as if a mouse had run over the tips of her toes, and was
carried out of the church in a fainting fit. Wiggins followed, and when
she was restored to consciousness wanted to explain; but she vehemently
denounced him as a villain who had decoyed her to the church by false
pretenses in order that he might insult her before the very altar and in
the presence of her venerable pastor. From that day she would have
nothing more to say to him, and he was compelled to abandon all hope of
ever obtaining possession of her real and personal estate.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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