The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
Toney found Wiggins in his apartment in the hotel. The latter received
the representative of Captain Bragg with the formal politeness befitting
the occasion. After some conversation in relation to the business which
had brought them together, Toney proceeded to say,--
"Mr. Wiggins, my principal has, as you know, the selection of time and
place, as well as of weapons."
"Undoubtedly, Mr. Belton. You will be so good as to name the time."
"To-morrow, between daybreak and sunrise," said Belton.
"Very good," said Wiggins. "And the place?"
"The cluster of trees which stand on the east side of the town."
"An excellent selection," said Wiggins.
"And the weapons, Mr. Belton?"
"Broad-axes," said Toney.
"What?" exclaimed Wiggins.
"Broad-axes," reiterated Toney.
"What?" said Wiggins, in a tremulous tone.
"Broad-axes!" shouted Toney, with the lungs of a Stentor.
"Broad-axes!" repeated Wiggins, with a pallid cheek. "Mr. Belton, you do
not mean to say that Captain Bragg expects Mr. Botts to fight him with a
broad-axe!"
"Why not, sir? Why not? When a man fights a duel is it not his object to
kill his antagonist? And are not broad-axes as efficient as any weapon
for the purpose?"
"But, Mr. Belton, a broad-axe is an unusual, a barbarous weapon."
"Sir, it is neither an unusual nor a barbarous weapon. It is a military
weapon. Examine Webster's Dictionary and you will find that such is the
definition of broad-axe. It has been often used by gentlemen in affairs
of honor."
"I never heard of its use among men of honor," said Wiggins.
"Why, Sir, who originated the practice of dueling? Were not the
chivalrous knights of the Middle Ages the first to adopt this mode of
settling disputes?"
"Certainly," said the representative of Botts.
"And were not those knights gentlemen and men of honor?"
"Of course they were," said Wiggins. "Who can doubt that?"
"And did they not fight with battle-axes?"
"Oh, certainly," said Wiggins. "We read of that in Froissart and the
other chroniclers of those days."
"Well, sir, will you be so good as to show me the difference between a
battle-axe and a broad-axe? Can you point it out?"
"I confess that I cannot," said Wiggins.
"There is no difference; except that our carpenters, in the peaceful
occupation of hewing timber, have found a short handle more convenient
than the long ones used in the days of chivalry by honorable knights and
gentlemen. I propose to lengthen the handles and let our men fight like
gallant paladins with the legitimate weapons of the duello."
"Mr. Belton, I cannot consent that my principal shall fight with such a
weapon. Mr. Botts is not accustomed to the use of a broad-axe."
"Nor is Captain Bragg, sir. So neither party will have an advantage from
skill or practice."
"Did Captain Bragg select broad-axes?"
"The captain has expressed no preference; he has left the choice of
weapons to his second."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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