The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
"Here they are," said Tom, producing two tin tubes painted black and
about the size of a musket-barrel. Each had a rod projecting from one
end and a nozzle on the other. Seddon handed one of them to Bragg,
saying, "Here is your weapon, captain."
"What is this?" inquired Bragg.
"It is your gun," said Seddon.
"Gun--gun! Do you call this a gun?" said Bragg.
"I most certainly do," said Seddon.
"You had better load the gun, Tom," said Belton, "and show the captain
how it is to be used."
Tom took the tube, and, putting the nozzle in the pot of boiling water
nearest to him, drew back the rod. He then brought the tube up
horizontally, and called out to the negro having charge of the other
pot, "Stand out of the way there, Hannibal!" Hannibal dodged to one
side, and Seddon, with a vigorous thrust of the rod, threw a stream of
scalding water from the nozzle to a distance of more than forty feet.
"There, captain," said Tom, "if Botts stands before such a discharge as
that, he is as brave a man as ever wore breeches."
"What devil's work is this?" said Bragg. "Do you suppose that I am
going to stand over a witch's caldron and have a man squirt hot water at
me until he has put out my eyes and scalded all the hair off my head?"
"You will have an opportunity to show your coolness in the midst of
danger," said Seddon; "you will, undoubtedly, put your adversary to
flight. I'll bet that Botts don't stand before a single discharge. If he
does, he should have license to beat any man's monkey when he is in a
belligerent humor. And, captain, did you not express your willingness to
fight with a gun loaded with hot water? Now, here are the guns, and
there are Cæsar and Hannibal with an abundant supply of ammunition."
"And it is too late to make other arrangements," said Belton. "It is
broad daylight, and Botts will be on the ground in a moment. I hope you
are not going to back down, Captain Bragg."
"Back down!" exclaimed Bragg. "I would have you know that I never back
down. I would have fought with a harpoon, or a boomerang, or anything of
the sort; but who ever heard of hot water employed in combats between
man and man? It is devil's work!"
"Captain Bragg, you are mistaken," said Seddon. "Hot water has often
been used in wars between civilized nations. Did you never hear of the
fighting æolipile?"
"What is that?" inquired Bragg.
"A tube filled with scalding fluid, which was projected in the face of
the enemy. The Egyptians, the Assyrians, and the Greeks were accustomed
to use these weapons, and to put their enemies to flight with them, as I
am certain that you will put Botts to flight."
"Hot water was used on one occasion in modern warfare with great
efficiency," said Belton. "The bravest troops in the army of Napoleon
the Great were baffled and held at bay by it."
"Where was that?" asked Bragg.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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