The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
"In Spain,"[3] said Toney. "The Spanish troops were routed. They dropped
their arms on the field and fled into a nunnery. The French had no
artillery, and attempted to take the place by a _coup de main_. But the
petticoats were prepared for them. From every window pails of hot water
were poured down upon them. The French troops could stand anything but
that. They fell back. They gave way; whole platoons cutting the most
prodigious capers; patting the posterior parts of their persons with
their open palms and performing sundry difficult and extraordinary
evolutions."
"Beaten by hot water!" said Seddon.
"Yes," said Toney. "Their brave general, who bore on his person the
scars of scores of battles, attempted to rally them; but they refused to
advance. Maddened by the apparent poltroonery of his troops, he seized a
musket, and, rushing forward, commenced battering at the door with its
butt. The door gave way, and the brave general was suddenly precipitated
forward. Before he could recover himself the petticoats were upon him.
With loud cries they seized him by the locks, while their nails made
frightful ravages in his face. Blinded, and baffled, and breathless, and
faint, he retreated without the door. A shower of hot water descended
from above, and, with a loud outcry, the old hero advanced backward with
amazing celerity, until, striking his foot against a stone, he fell,
'with his back to the field and his feet to the foe.' The door was
closed, the petticoats stood ready at the windows with their pails full
of hot water, and the besiegers were utterly disheartened."
"Did the French retreat? Did they abandon the contest?" asked Seddon.
"No," said Toney. "Napoleon rode on the field. He was enraged at the
timidity of his troops. He ordered up a battalion of the Old Guard. It
was all over with the garrison then. Their fires had gone out, and their
water was cold. They prayed to every saint in the calendar, and made an
especial appeal to Joshua, the son of Nun, to save them. It was of no
avail. The door was battered down, the Imperial Guard marched in, and
the captured petticoats were led away as the musicians struck up the
tone, 'I won't be a Nun.'"
"So you see, Captain Bragg, that hot water has been employed in both
ancient and modern warfare," said Seddon. "And brave men have fled
before it. If you stand firmly before the shower discharged by Botts
from yonder tube, nobody will ever dare to dispute your courage."
"If Botts can stand it, I can," said Bragg, doggedly. "But," said
he,--and his face brightened up as he looked at his watch,--"I will
remain here no longer. The sun is up, Mr. Belton, and where is the
challenger?"
"Yonder comes his second," said Seddon.
Bragg's countenance was instantly beclouded.
"Good-morning, Mr. Wiggins," said Belton. "I do not see your principal.
Where is Mr. Botts?"
"He has fled," said Wiggins.
"Fled?" said Belton.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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