The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A NovelYellott, George
General
The Funny Philosophers, or Wags and Sweethearts. A Novel
Yellott, George
Fiction
"But even in this quiet little court he had an adversary who was a thorn
in his side, often causing him great affliction, and sometimes intense
agony. This adversary was a carpenter with a hooked nose and a most
singular physiognomy, known by the name of Peter Piddler, and supposed
to be crazy on all subjects except those appertaining to the law. On
legal questions he exhibited great astuteness, and, having renounced the
jack-plane and procured an odd volume of Burn's Justice, he had been
practicing for some years before Justice Johnson, when M. T. Pate made
his début. The carpenter considered himself the monarch of that bar, and
when his youthful antagonist entered the arena, the contest between them
was watched with nearly as much interest in the little village as was
the meeting of Pinkney and Webster on a more celebrated forum. Many
predicted that Piddler had now met with his match, and might even have
to succumb; but their vaticinations were not verified in every instance.
Extraordinary as it may seem, the carpenter usually came off victorious,
and the learned attorney frequently left the court and went home deeply
dejected by the humiliation of defeat.
"In that neighborhood many people still talk about those celebrated
trials, where Justice Johnson presided and Piddler and Pate contended
for victory. Most of these accounts are legendary, and no more reliable
than are those in relation to the early efforts of the eloquent orator
of the Old Dominion. One, however, we have ascertained to be strictly
authentic. A stout African, a slave named Sam, and an incorrigible
sinner, had been brought before Justice Johnson on the grave charge of
having purloined a hen, the property of a widow lady in that vicinity.
Pate was for the defense and Piddler for the prosecution. The widow's
son, a lad of twelve years, who was the principal witness, testified
that he had set the hen, putting twenty eggs under her, which was more
than she could conveniently cover. With an admonition to the patient
fowl to 'spread' herself, he left her, and, climbing a cherry-tree, was
eating the fruit, when he saw Sam carry off both the hen and the eggs.
The testimony was conclusive of the prisoner's guilt, and his counsel
had to assail the character of the witness. But he was ably vindicated
by Piddler, and the unfortunate Sam was convicted of petty larceny.
Justice Johnson, being a humane man, in passing sentence, said, with
tears in his eyes, 'Sam, it gives me great pain to order corporal
punishment to be indicted on any one, but my solemn duty must be
performed. The sentence of the court is, that you be taken hence to the
horse-rack, and have twelve lashes laid on your bare back, and may the
Lord have mercy on your soul!'
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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