Autobiographical fiction; France -- Social life and customs -- Fiction
appeared to be dreaming, beneath its pile of fair hair. I was less sad
than usual because the melancholy of her expression, the sort of
claustration which the startling hue of her gown set between her and the
rest of the world, made her seem somehow lonely and unhappy, and this
comforted me. The gown struck me as being the materialisation round
about her of the scarlet rays of a heart which I did not recognise as
hers and might have been able, perhaps, to console; sheltered in the
mystical light of the garment with its gently flowing folds, she made me
think of some Saint of the early ages of Christianity. After which I
felt ashamed of afflicting with the sight of myself this holy martyr.
“But, after all, the streets are public.”
The streets are public, I reminded myself, giving a different meaning to
the words, and marvelling that indeed in the crowded thoroughfare often
soaked with rain, which made it beautiful and precious as a street
sometimes is in the old towns of Italy, the Duchesse de Guermantes
mingled with the public life of the world moments of her own secret
life, shewing herself thus to all and sundry, jostled by every
passer-by, with the splendid gratuitousness of the greatest works of
art. As I had been out in the morning, after staying awake all night, in
the afternoon my parents would tell me to lie down for a little and try
to sleep. There is no need, when one is trying to find sleep, to give
much thought to the quest, but habit is very useful, and even freedom
from thought. But in these afternoon hours both were lacking. Before
going to sleep, I devoted so much time to thinking that I should not be
able to sleep, that even after I was asleep a little of my thought
remained. It was no more than a glimmer in the almost total darkness,
but it was bright enough to cast a reflexion in my sleep, first of the
idea that I could not sleep, and then, a reflexion of this reflexion,
that it was in my sleep that I had had the idea that I was not asleep,
then, by a further refraction, my awakening ... to a fresh doze in which
I was trying to tell some friends who had come into my room that, a
moment earlier, when I was asleep, I had imagined that I was not asleep.
These shades were barely distinguishable; it would have required a
keen—and quite useless—delicacy of perception to seize them all.
Similarly, in later years, at Venice, long after the sun had set, when
it seemed to be quite dark, I have seen, thanks to the echo, itself
imperceptible, of a last note of light, held indefinitely on the surface
of the canals, as though some optical pedal were being pressed, the
reflexion of the palaces unfurled, as though for all time, in a darker
velvet, on the crepuscular greyness of the water. One of my dreams was
the synthesis of what my imagination had often sought to depict, in my
waking hours, of a certain seagirt place and its mediaeval past. In my
sleep I saw a gothic fortress rising from a sea whose waves were stilled
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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