Autobiographical fiction; France -- Social life and customs -- Fiction
Yes, one might have said that, a few minutes earlier, when I was looking
for a cab, my grandmother was resting on a seat in the Avenue Gabriel,
and that a little later she had driven past in an open carriage. But
would that have been really true? The seat, for instance, to maintain
its position at the side of an avenue—for all that it may be subjected
also to certain conditions of equilibrium—has no need of energy. But in
order that a living person may be stable, even when supported by a seat
or in a carriage, there is required a tension of forces which we do not
ordinarily perceive, any more than we perceive (because its action is
universal) atmospheric pressure. Possibly if we were to be hollowed out
and then left to support the pressure of the air we might feel, in the
moment that preceded our extinction, that terrible weight which there
was nothing left in us to neutralise. Similarly when the abyss of
sickness and death opens within us, and we have no longer any resistance
to offer to the tumult with which the world and our own body rush upon
us, then to endure even the tension of our own muscles, the shudder that
freezes us to the marrow, then even to keep ourself motionless in what
we ordinarily regard as nothing but the simple negative position of a
lifeless thing requires, if we wish our head to remain erect and our
eyes calm, an expense of vital energy and becomes the object of an
exhausting struggle.
And if Legrandin had looked back at us with that astonished air, it was
because to him, as to the other people who passed us then, in the cab in
which my grandmother was apparently seated she had seemed to De
foundering, sliding into the abyss, clinging desperately to the cushions
which could barely arrest the downward plunge of her body, her hair in
disorder, her eye wild, unable any longer to face the assault of the
images which its pupil was not strong enough now to bear. She had
appeared to them, although I was still by her side, submerged in that
unknown world somewhere in which she had already received the blows,
traces of which she still bore when I looked up at her a few minutes
earlier in the Champs-Elysées, her hat, her face, her cloak left in
disorder by the hand of the invisible angel with whom she had wrestled.
I have thought, since, that this moment of her stroke cannot have
altogether surprised my grandmother, that indeed she had perhaps
foreseen it a long time back, had lived in expectation of it. She had
not known, naturally, when this fatal moment would come, had never been
certain, any more than those lovers whom a similar doubt leads
alternately to found unreasonable hopes and unjustified suspicions on
the fidelity of their mistresses. But it is rarely that these grave
maladies, like that which now at last had struck her full in the face,
do not take up their abode in the sick man for a long time before
killing him, during which time they make haste, like a “sociable”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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