The History and Records of the Elephant ClubDoesticks, Q. K. Philander
General
The History and Records of the Elephant Club
Doesticks, Q. K. Philander
American wit and humor
The sermon was now concluded, and the shirt-sleeve-man kneeled down on
the platform and began to pray; he must have had no inconsiderable
amount of similar exercise before, for the knees of his pantaloons were
worn entirely through, and there was a large hole behind where he had
sat upon his heels.
No sooner had he fairly commenced praying than some of the more
energetic in the crowd began to groan; when he made a thorny point, and
said something about the "arrow of conviction," some fat wench would
sing out "Glory;" when he put in a touch about hell fire and other
torrid climates, they would cry out "Yes, Lord." And when he put in an
extra lick about repentance, and death, and damnation, and other
pleasant luxuries, the whole crowd fairly screamed with excitement.
At length a powerful darkey, with a head like a cord of No. 1 curled
hair, and with nothing on to hide his black anatomy but a pair of thin
breeches and a blue shirt, began to give unequivocal manifestations of
the workings of his faith; first he kicked a woman with his right leg,
then he kicked a little boy with his left, then he punched one of the
brethren in the stomach, then he stepped on the toes of a grey-haired
class-leader, but, as both were barefooted, no harm was done; then he
yelled like seven Indians, and howled like seven Irishmen, and danced
about like a whole regiment of crazy Dutchmen. When he opened his mouth,
the minister dodged the yawning chasm, and the man fell down and
sprawled about in the mud, striking about with his arms and legs, as if
he were swimming on a bet, and was only two minutes from the stake-boat.
At last he ceased to move, and stiffened out as if he had suddenly
swallowed a rifle-barrel, which stuck in his throat like Macbeth's amen.
The damaged brethren gathered round; the sisters, after giving their
injured shins a consoling rub, also came to the rescue, and the man was
picked up. He was foaming at the mouth; his teeth were set together so
that a fence-stake was required to pry them apart; his shirt was
unbuttoned (his pantaloons had unbuttoned themselves); a pailful of
water out of the nearest frog-pond was dashed in his face, and he soon
so far recovered himself as to ask for corn whisky. All immediately
sang, with a strong chorus, a thanksgiving hymn, that his soul was
saved; though what connection there was between corn whisky and
salvation puzzled the Elephantines some, if not more.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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