Great Britain -- Politics and government -- 1702-1714 -- Humor; Political satire, English
Two witnesses swore* that several years ago, there came to their
mistress's door a young fellow in a tattered coat, that went by the name
of Timothy Trim, whom they did in their conscience believe to be the
very prisoner, resembling him in shape, stature, and the features of
his countenance. That the said Timothy Trim being taken into the family,
clapped their mistress's livery over his own tattered coat; that the
said Timothy was extremely officious about their mistress's person,
endeavouring by flattery and tale-bearing to set her against the rest of
the servants: nobody was so ready to fetch anything that was wanted,
to reach what was dropped. That he used to shove and elbow his
fellow-servants to get near his mistress, especially when money was
a paying or receiving--then he was never out of the way; that he was
extremely diligent about everybody's business but his own. That the said
Timothy, while he was in the family, used to be playing roguish tricks;
when his mistress's back was turned, he would loll out his tongue, make
mouths, and laugh at her, walking behind her like Harlequin, ridiculing
her motions and gestures; but if his mistress looked about, he put on a
grave, demure countenance, as if he had been in a fit of devotion; that
he used often to trip up-stairs so smoothly that you could not hear him
tread, and put all things out of order; that he would pinch the children
and servants, when he met them in the dark, so hard, that he left the
print of his forefingers and his thumb in black and blue, and then
slink into a corner, as if nobody had done it. Out of the same malicious
design he used to lay chairs and joint-stools in their way, that
they might break their noses by falling over them. The more young and
inexperienced he used to teach to talk saucily, and call names. During
his stay in the family there was much plate missing; being caught with a
couple of silver spoons in his pocket, with their handles wrenched off,
he said he was only going to carry them to the goldsmiths to be mended:
that the said Timothy was hated by all the honest servants, for his
ill-conditioned, splenetic tricks, but especially for his slanderous
tongue; traducing them to their mistress as drunkards and thieves: that
the said Timothy, by lying stories, used to set all the family
together by the ears, taking delight to make them fight and quarrel;
**particularly one day sitting at table, he spoke words to this effect:
"I am of opinion," quoth he, "that little short fellows, such as we are,
have better hearts, and could beat the tall fellows; I wish it came to a
fair trial; I believe these long fellows, as sightly as they are, should
find their jackets well thwacked."
* Betraying the interests of the Church when got into
preferments.
** The original of the distinction in the names of Low
Churchmen and High Churchmen.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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