“Often I heard of places where persons of my bent may be found but I never had the courage to look them up, fearing that I would be recognized, that I would be put to shame and that I should lose my means of subsistence. I am particularly pained at the thought that I must pass for an inferior dissolute type while millions and millions of insignificant tramps are placed on a higher level in the eyes of the law, enjoy life and are even honored and respected while I, in spite of possessing the qualities of a truer manhood, must waste my life in joyless existence. Two women came into my life with whom I became somewhat intimate, _one attracting me temporarily because her physical appearance was like that of a boy underdeveloped, the other, because I was at the time under the influence of alcohol_. But I noticed in connection with those two experiences that I felt no particular satisfaction during bodily contact with the women or while kissing them, _in fact, many women cause me nausea if I so much as take food out of their hand_. Several _puellæ publicæ_ have tried to rouse my sexual feelings (_lambentes glandem membri_), but in spite of erection I felt no particular pleasure, and the act was always followed by a feeling of despair—the same old story. Sometimes in my anguish I sought the church and there I broke into tears and I yearningly clasped my hands in prayer without being a believer at heart. Ofttimes I thought my mind must be affected and thought I had to go to an asylum for the insane but it would make my trouble known to do so and I feared I should have to forego contact with men forever after that. Occasionally _I dreamed also of women_, but without any particular feelings, while if I dreamed of clasping in a warm embrace or only touching or even merely looking at a boy, or at an elderly man, I felt great pleasure. I dreamed of contact with the lips. Something more about the family: On account of father’s strict discipline _I inclined more to mother who was more indulgent_. One of four sisters is married, also both brothers, happy and satisfied, I believe. (I am very bashful with all my relations, old and young.) One uncle only showed eccentricities and he remained single. All my other habits of life are not unlike those of any normal young man, I have friends who are married and who are unaware of my condition. But time after time I am tremendously agitated on account of my mental struggle. Finally, to conclude: my dear doctor, you cannot prevail upon me again to try to look you up at your office because the penetrating look of your office girl inspires me with the fear that my condition is recognized and diagnosed at a glance. If you feel inclined to advise me how best to withstand this craving or to mention some country where I may go, I should be very grateful to you—if not, I have learned to bear defeat.”...