His attachment to his father was decidedly morbid. If the father stayed
away from the house a quarter of an hour longer than usual, he began to
cry and could not be consoled. The whole object of his life was to bring
joy to his father and to replace in the latter’s life the lost mother.
When the father fell ill he took it so much to heart that it was feared
his mind would break down. After the death of his father he attempted
suicide and was thwarted in the act by his father’s faithful servant. He
made all sorts of resolutions, among others, not to masturbate during
the year of mourning. He did not live up to that.... At first he is
unable to recall heterosexual episodes from his childhood and his memory
fails him equally regarding homosexual facts. But suddenly the cloud
which seemed to cover his childhood lifts and a vast number of
reminiscences come to surface, showing the developmental course of his
homosexual tendency. His father had always been a strong admirer of the
other sex and even as a child he had observed that the father was
maintaining intimate relations with the nurse, the cook, as well as with
the maid servant. Once he surprised his father in the act of embracing
the cook while the two were alone in the room. The irate father boxed
his ear because he entered without knocking at the door. That was one of
the rare occasions on which his father punished him. He also overheard
at night how his father crawled into the nurse’s bed, who was still very
young and pretty at the time and carried on all sorts of doings with
her. Later he received private instruction from a male tutor who
conformed to the _genius loci_ and was also intimate with the servant
girl. As a child he often wished he were a woman so as to take the
cook’s place in gratifying his father. The father seemed to fear that
the boy might fall into the women’s hands and did not delay warning his
son with appropriate teachings. At 12 years of age his father instructed
him frankly about the dangers of masturbation, with the result that he
struggled hard against the habit without, however, overcoming it. A few
years later his father spoke to him about the terrible dangers of
venereal diseases, warning him against prostitutes. He was told he must
watch out, for he would have frequently occasion to go through the city,
and the prostitutes are always eager to seduce such innocent young boys
so that many a one is ruined for life.
It is significant also that at 5 years of age he played with a girl from
the neighborhood, trying to imitate the father. He must have hurt the
girl for she cried out, the nurse rushed in, a serious scene ensued, and
he was severely chastised by the nurse.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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