An ugly impression was produced on him when he witnessed a terrible
quarrel between their cook and the nurse who were jealous of each other
on account of the father’s attentions. They grabbed each other by the
hair and the whole household was in an uproar. The cook had to leave the
house at once. He believes that after that incident his father gave up
all intimate relations with the women in the house. At 19 years of age
he fell in love with the cashier of a coffee house and would have very
much liked to possess her. But his father, to whom he told everything,
warned him against all cashier women because they are usually diseased
and infected. As a warning he told him that in his youth he once
suffered very unpleasant consequences as the result of an affair with
that kind of a woman and was even subjected to blackmail.
He filled his heart with a gruesome fear of woman. In addition to that
he placed in his hands a book relating all about the evil consequences
of sexual diseases, so that after that he did not dare come near a woman
without the protection of a condom. After intercourse, which consisted
merely of digital manipulations in his case, he had to bathe at once and
to wash his genitals with soap several times. After homosexual acts he
did not feel the compulsion to carry out these ablutions.
We now come to the analysis of his acts, which show themselves veritable
compulsive manifestations. Suddenly he becomes restless, energetically
tries to control himself, then paces back and forth for hours, until he
falls into the hands of one of the male prostitutes who easily recognize
their prospective victims. But as he never mentioned any name and never
established any lasting intimate relations, he escaped blackmail. Once
he thought that a certain masseur had studied his physiognomy and had
later recognized him. He saw that fellow a few times in front of his
home. Immediately he left Vienna and undertook an extensive journey
which kept him for some months in foreign countries.
In the act he tried to find the love caresses of his father. He split
love into its well recognized two components. The erotic side he
reserved for elderly men, physicians, and the faithful elderly
friends,—while for sexuality proper he turned exclusively towards men of
low rank. Similarly he divided his father’s personality into two parts,
the high-striving, intellectual, lofty-minded father, and the woman
fancier, the lover of ordinary servant girls. He was still playing the
rôle of a male but during the act he regressed back to childhood,
becoming again a child who longs for the father’s tender love squandered
on servant girls. Moreover the ordinary males also had the traits of
servants, they were of the servant class.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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