The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
“I don’t know how well he knows his own business, Major,” I said as I
started again for Brede’s end of the verandah. But I was troubled none
the less. The Major could not have influenced the sale of one share of
stock in the Capitoline Company. But that stock was a great investment;
a rare chance for a purchaser with a few thousand dollars. Perhaps it
was no more remarkable that Brede should not invest than that I should
not; and yet it seemed to add one circumstance more to the other
suspicious circumstances.
* * * * *
When I went upstairs that evening, I found my wife putting her hair to
bed—I don’t know how I can better describe an operation familiar to
every married man. I waited until the last tress was coiled up, and then
I spoke.
“I’ve talked with Brede,” I said, “and I didn’t have to catechise him.
He seemed to feel that some sort of explanation was looked for, and he
was very outspoken. You were right about the children—that is, I must
have misunderstood him. There are only two; but the Matterhorn episode
was simple enough. He didn’t realise how dangerous it was until he had
got so far into it that he couldn’t back out; and he didn’t tell her,
because he’d left her here, you see; and under the circumstances——”
“Left her here!” cried my wife. “I’ve been sitting with her the whole
afternoon, sewing, and she told me that he left her at Geneva, and came
back and took her to Basle, and the baby was born there. Now I’m sure,
dear, because I asked her.”
“Perhaps I was mistaken when I thought he said she was on this side of
the water,” I suggested with bitter, biting irony.
“You poor dear, did I abuse you?” said my wife. “But do you know Mrs.
Tabb said that _she_ didn’t know how many lumps of sugar he took in his
coffee. Now that seems queer, doesn’t it?”
It did. It was a small thing; but it looked queer, very queer.
* * * * *
The next morning it was clear that war was declared against the Bredes.
They came down to breakfast somewhat late, and as soon as they arrived
the Biggles swooped up the last fragments that remained on their plates,
and made a stately march out of the dining-room. Then Miss Hoogencamp
arose and departed, leaving a whole fish-ball on her plate. Even as
Atalanta might have dropped an apple behind her to tempt her pursuer to
check his speed, so Miss Hoogencamp left that fish-ball behind her, and
between her maiden self and Contamination.
We had finished our breakfast, my wife and I, before the Bredes
appeared. We talked it over, and agreed that we were glad that we had
not been obliged to take sides upon such insufficient testimony.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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