The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists — John Shaqi
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
After breakfast it was the custom of the male half of the Jacobus
household to go around the corner of the building and smoke their pipes
and cigars, where they would not annoy the ladies. We sat under a
trellis covered with a grape vine that had borne no grapes in the memory
of man. This vine, however, bore leaves, and these, on that pleasant
summer morning, shielded from us two persons who were in earnest
conversation in the straggling, half-dead flower-garden at the side of
the house.
“I don’t want,” we heard Mr. Jacobus say, “to enter in no man’s
_pry_-vacy; but I do want to know who it may be, like, that I hev in my
house. Now what I ask of _you_—and I don’t want you to take it as in no
ways _personal_—is, hev you your merridge-licence with you?”
“No,” we heard the voice of Mr. Brede reply. “Have you yours?”
I think it was a chance shot, but it told all the same. The Major (he
was a widower), and Mr. Biggle and I looked at each other; and Mr.
Jacobus, on the other side of the grape-trellis, looked at—I don’t know
what—and was as silent as we were.
Where is _your_ marriage-licence, married reader? Do you know? Four men,
not including Mr. Brede, stood or sat on one side or the other of that
grape-trellis, and not one of them knew where his marriage-licence was.
Each of us had had one—the Major had had three. But where were they?
Where is _yours_? Tucked in your best-man’s pocket; deposited in his
desk, or washed to a pulp in his white waistcoat (if white waistcoats be
the fashion of the hour), washed out of existence—can you tell where it
is? Can you—unless you are one of those people who frame that
interesting document and hang it upon their drawing-room walls?
Mr. Brede’s voice arose, after an awful stillness of what seemed like
five minutes, and was, probably, thirty seconds—
“Mr. Jacobus, will you make out your bill at once, and let me pay it? I
shall leave by the six o’clock train. And will you also send the waggon
for my trunks?”
“I hain’t said I wanted to hev ye leave——” began Mr. Jacobus; but Brede
cut him short.
“Bring me your bill.”
“But,” remonstrated Jacobus, “ef ye ain’t——”
“Bring me your bill!” said Mr. Brede.
* * * * *
My wife and I went out for our morning’s walk. But it seemed to us, when
we looked at “our view,” as if we could only see those invisible
villages of which Brede had told us—that other side of the ridges and
rises of which we catch no glimpse from lofty hills or from the heights
of human self-esteem. We meant to stay out until the Bredes had taken
their departure; but we returned just in time to see Pete, the Jacobus
darkey, the blacker of boots, the brusher of coats, the general
handy-man of the house, loading the Bredes’ trunks on the Jacobus
waggon.
And, as we stepped upon the verandah, down came Mrs. Brede, leaning on
Mr. Brede’s arm as though she were ill; and it was clear that she had
been crying—there were heavy rings about her pretty black eyes.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account