The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
Thus were these wicked and miserable women spurred on by witchcraft from
one piece of extravagance to another, and a deadly rivalship grew up
between them which destroyed their own happiness and that of their
husbands. Mrs. Shuttle’s new carriage and drawing-room furniture in due
time were followed by similar extravagances on the part of the two other
wicked women who had conspired against the hallowed institutions of St.
Nicholas; and soon their rivalship came to such a height that neither of
them had a moment’s rest or comfort from that time forward. But they
still shut their door on the jolly anniversary of St. Nicholas, though
the old respectable burghers and their wives, who had held up their
heads time out of mind, continued the good custom, and laughed at the
presumption of these upstart interlopers who were followed only by a few
people of silly pretensions, who had no more soul than Amos Shuttle
himself. The three wicked women grew to be almost perfect skeletons, on
account of the vehemence with which they strove to outdo each other, and
the terrible exertions necessary to keep up the appearance of being the
best friends in the world. In short, they became the laughing-stock of
the town; and sensible, well-bred folks cut their acquaintance, except
when they sometimes accepted an invitation to a party, just to make
merry with their folly and conceitedness.
The excellent St. Nicholas, finding they still persisted in their
opposition to his rites and ceremonies, determined to inflict on them
the last and worst punishment that can befall the sex. He decreed that
they should be deprived of all the delights springing from the domestic
affections, and all taste for the innocent and virtuous enjoyments of a
happy fireside. Accordingly they lost all relish for home; they were
continually gadding about from one place to another in search of
pleasure, and worried themselves to death to find happiness where it is
never to be found. Their whole lives became one long series of
disappointed hopes, galled pride, and gnawing envy. They lost their
health, they lost their time, and their days became days of harassing
impatience, their nights nights of sleeplessness, feverish excitement,
ending in weariness and disappointment. The good saint sometimes felt
sorry for them, but their continued obstinacy determined him to
persevere in his plan to punish the upstart pride of these rebellious
females.
Young Shuttle, who had a soul, which I suppose he inherited from his
mother, all this while continued his attentions to little Susan Varian,
which added to the miseries inflicted on his wicked mother. Mrs. Shuttle
insisted that Amos should threaten to disinherit his son, unless he gave
up this attachment.
“Lord bless your soul, Abby!” said Amos. “What’s the use of my
threatening; the boy knows as well as I do that I’ve no will of my own.
Why, bless my soul, Abby——”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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