The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
General
The Humour of America: Selected, with an Introduction and Index of American Humorists
American wit and humor
Miss McLush rarely walks. When she does it is with the deliberate
majesty of a Dido. Her small, plump feet melt to the ground like
snow-flakes, and her figure sways to the indolent motion of her limbs
with a glorious grace and yieldingness quite indescribable. She was
idling slowly up the Mall one evening, just at twilight, with a servant
at a short distance behind her, who, to while away the time between her
steps, was employing himself in throwing stones at the cows feeding upon
the common. A gentleman, with a natural admiration for her splendid
person, addressed her. He might have done a more eccentric thing.
Without troubling herself to look at him, she turned to her servant and
requested him, with a yawn of desperate _ennui_, to knock that fellow
down! John obeyed his orders; and, as his mistress resumed her lounge,
picked up a new handful of pebbles, and tossing one at the nearest cow,
loitered lazily after.
Such supreme indolence was irresistible. I gave in—I who never before
could summon energy to sigh—I to whom a declaration was but a synonym
for perspiration—I—who had only thought of love as a nervous complaint,
and of women but to pray for a good deliverance—I—yes—I knocked under.
Albina McLush! thou wert too exquisitely lazy. Human sensibilities
cannot hold out for ever.
I found her one morning sipping her coffee at twelve, with her eyes wide
open. She was just from the bath, and her complexion had a soft, dewy
transparency, like the cheek of Venus rising from the sea. It was the
hour, Lurly had told me, when she would be at the trouble of thinking.
She put away with her dimpled forefinger, as I entered, a cluster of
rich curls that had fallen over her face, and nodded to me like a
water-lily swaying to the wind when its cup is full of rain. “Lady
Albina,” said I, in my softest tone, “how are you to-day?”
“Beltina,” said she, addressing her maid in a voice as clouded and rich
as a south wind on an Æolian, “how am I to-day?”
The conversation fell into short sentences, and the dialogue became
monologue. I entered upon my declaration with the assistance of Beltina,
who supplied her mistress with cologne. I kept her attention alive
through the incipient circumstances. Symptoms were soon told. I came to
the avowal. Her hand lay reposing on the arm of the sofa, half buried in
a muslin _foulard_. I took it up. I pressed the cool, soft fingers to my
lips—unforbidden. I rose and looked into her eyes for confirmation.
Delicious creature! she was asleep.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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