_Now you inform your Editors at once that their most dangerous rival has withdrawn, and that they can go ahead and resume publication, But you inform Your clients that if they ever take up Rope Throwing or chewing gum that I will consider it a direct infringement of my rights and will protect it with one of the best Kosher Lawyers in Oklahoma,_ _Your letter to me telling me I was in competition with the Digest would be just like Harding writing to Cox and telling him he took some of his votes,_ _So long Beverly if you ever come to California, come out to Beverly where I live and see me_ _Illiterately yours_ WILL ROGERS. When I sent him my answer I read it to some of the Movie Company I was working with at the time and they kept asking me afterwards if I had received an answer. I did not, and I just thought, oh well, there I go and waste a letter on some High Brow Lawyer with no sense of humor. I was sore at myself for writing it. About 6 months later I came back to join the Follies and who should come to call on me but the nicest old Gentleman I had ever met, especially in the law profession. He was the one I had written the letter to, and he had had Photographic Copies made of my letter and had given them around to all his Lawyer friends. So it is to him and his sense of humor, that I dedicate this Volume of deep thought. I might also state that the Literary Digest was broad-minded enough to realize that there was room for both, and I want to thank them for allowing me to announce my Illiteracy publicly. CONTENTS PAGE TWO LETTERS AND A DEDICATION 5 INTRODUCTION 17 BREAKING INTO THE WRITING GAME 27 SETTLING THE CORSET PROBLEM OF THIS COUNTRY 39 HOW TO TELL A BUTLER, AND OTHER ETIQUETTE 47 DEFENDING MY SOUP PLATE POSITION 57 HELPING THE GIRLS WITH THEIR INCOME TAXES 69 THE GREATEST DOCUMENT IN AMERICAN LITERATURE 77 PROSPECTUS FOR “THE REMODELED CHEWING GUM CORPORATION” 87 INSIDE STUFF ON THE TOTAL ECLIPSE 99 IT’S TIME SOMEBODY SAID A WORD FOR CALIFORNIA 111 PROMOTING THE OCEANLESS ONE-PIECE SUIT 121 WARNING TO JOKERS: LAY OFF THE PRINCE 131 SPRING IS HERE, WITH POEMS AND BATH TUBS 141 MY FORD AND OTHER POLITICAL SELF-STARTERS 151 WILSON COULD LAUGH AT A JOKE ON HIMSELF 159 A JOB WITH THE JAMES FAMILY 171 LET’S TREAT OUR PRESIDENTS LIKE HUMAN BEINGS 181 WHAT WITH FRUIT JUICE AND CONSOMME, IT WAS A WILD PARTY 193