"What a life I led! What monotony, what emptiness! The little town,
our house, the drawing-room with the furniture always arranged just so,
their places never changed, like tombstones. One day I tried to put
the table that stood in the centre in another place. I could not do
it."
Her face paled, grew more luminous.
He listened to her. A smile of patience and resignation, which soon
was like a pained expression of weariness, crept across his handsome
face. Yes, he was really handsome, though a little disconcerting, with
his large eyes, which women must have adored, his drooping moustache,
his tender, distant air. He seemed to be one of those gentle people
who think too much and do evil. You would have said that he was above
everything and capable of everything. Listening to her with a certain
remoteness, but stirred by desire for her, he had the air of waiting.
And suddenly the veil fell from my eyes, and reality lay stripped
before me. I saw that between these two people there was an immense
difference, like an infinite discord, sublime to behold because of its
depths, but so painful that it bruised my heart.
/He/ was moved only by his longing for her; /she,/ by her need of
escaping from her ordinary life. Their desires were not the same.
They seemed united, but they dwelt far apart.
They did not talk the same language. When they spoke of the same
things, they scarcely understood each other, and to my eyes, from the
very first, their union appeared to be broken more than if they had
never known each other.
But he did not say what was really in his mind. You felt it in the
sound of his voice, the very charm of his intonation, his lyrical
choice of words. He thought to please her, and he lied. He was
evidently her superior, but she dominated him by a kind of inspired
sincerity. While he was master of his words, she offered her whole
self in her words.
She described her former life.
"From the windows in my room and the dining-room, I could look out on
the square. The fountain in the centre, with its shadow at its base.
I watched the day go round there, on that little, white, round place,
like a sundial.
"The postman crossed it regularly, without thinking. At the arsenal
gate stood a soldier doing nothing. Nobody else ever came there. When
noon rang like a knell, still no one. What I remember best of all was
the way noon rang like a knell--the middle of the day, absolute ennui.
"Nothing ever happened to me, nothing ever would happen to me. There
was nothing for me. The future no longer existed for me. If my days
were to go on like that, nothing would separate me from my death--
nothing! Not a thing! To be bored is to die! My life was dead, and
yet I had to live. It was suicide. Others killed themselves with
poison or with a revolver. I killed myself with minutes and hours."
"Amy!" said the man.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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