I heard the bustle of my friends arriving to lunch, and I shaved myself hastily. Then slipping on my coat and dabbing a bit of sticking-plaster on my chin, I threw open the door violently; for I was not going to let those two fellows off an exhibition of slang. They should have thought out the plot more fully; have hired me a moderate bedroom in advance, and not have let me in for the luxuries of Lucullus. It was a cowardly desertion, their leaving me at the critical moment, and they should learn what I thought of it. "You ruffians!" I began; but the words died on my lips. Jones was waiting at table. It ought to have been a delicious lunch: broiled chickens and apple-tart; the cool breeze coming through the open window, the sea and the champagne sparkling. But I, who was hungriest, enjoyed it least; Jones, who ate nothing, enjoyed it most. The Infant and Merton Towers simply overflowed with high spirits, keeping up a running fire of aristocratic allusions, which galled me beyond endurance. "By the way, how is the dowager-duchess?" wound up the Infant. "D---- the dowager-duchess!" I roared, losing the remains of my temper. Jones grew radiant, and the Infant winked irritating approval of my natural touches. Such contempt for duchesses could only be bred of familiarity. At last I could contain myself no longer; I must either explode or have a fit. I sent Jones for cigarettes. Directly the door closed those two men turned upon me. "I say, old fellow," exclaimed Towers reproachfully, "isn't this just going it a little too far?" "What in creation made you take these howling apartments?" asked the Infant. "Review time, too! They've been saving up these rooms, foreseeing there would be some tip-top swells crowded out of the fashionable hotels. Why, there's a cosy little crib next to ours I made sure you'd have." "Well, I call this cool!" I gasped. "So it is," said the Infant; "I admit that. It's the coolest room in the house. It'll be real jolly up here; and if you can stand the racket I'm sure I'm not the chap to grumble." "You must have been doing beastly well, old man," Towers put in enviously; "to feed us like critics on chicken and champagne. I suppose they'll be opening new cemeteries down your way presently." "Look here, my fine fellows," I said ferociously, "don't you forget that there's plenty of room still in Ryde Churchyard." "Hallo, Ted!" cried the Infant, looking up with ingenuous surprise, "I thought you came down here on a holiday?" "Stash that!" I said. "It's you who've got me into this hole, and you know it." "Hole!" cried Towers, looking round the room in amaze. "He calls this a hole! Hang it all, my boy, are you a millionaire? I call this good enough for a lord." "Yes; but as I'm neither," I said grimly, "I should like you to understand that I'm not going to pay for this spread." "What!" gasped the Infant. "Invite a man to lunch, and expect him to square the bill?" "I never invited you!" I said indignantly.