felt it clothe me round like an air I was obliged to breathe. She came
with her candle and stood over me with a bitter smile of contempt;
I saw the great emerald brooch on her bosom, a studded serpent with
diamond eyes. I shuddered--I despised this woman with the barren soul
and mean thoughts; but I felt helpless before her, as if she clutched
my bleeding heart, and would clutch it till the last drop of life-blood
ebbed away. She was my wife, and we hated each other. Gradually the
hearth, the dim library, the candle-light disappeared--seemed to melt
away into a background of light, the green serpent with the diamond
eyes remaining a dark image on the retina. Then I had a sense of my
eyelids quivering, and the living daylight broke in upon me; I saw
gardens, and heard voices; I was seated on the steps of the Belvedere
Terrace, and my friends were round me.
The tumult of mind into which I was thrown by this hideous vision made
me ill for several days, and prolonged our stay at Vienna. I shuddered
with horror as the scene recurred to me; and it recurred constantly,
with all its minutiae, as if they had been burnt into my memory; and
yet, such is the madness of the human heart under the influence of
its immediate desires, I felt a wild hell-braving joy that Bertha was
to be mine; for the fulfilment of my former prevision concerning her
first appearance before me, left me little hope that this last hideous
glimpse of the future was the mere diseased play of my own mind, and
had no relation to external realities. One thing alone I looked towards
as a possible means of casting doubt on my terrible conviction--the
discovery that my vision of Prague had been false--and Prague was the
next city on our route.
Meanwhile, I was no sooner in Bertha's society again than I was as
completely under her sway as before. What if I saw into the heart of
Bertha, the matured woman--Bertha, my wife? Bertha, the _girl_, was
a fascinating secret to me still: I trembled under her touch; I felt
the witchery of her presence; I yearned to be assured of her love.
The fear of poison is feeble against the sense of thirst. Nay, I was
just as jealous of my brother as before--just as much irritated by his
small patronizing ways; for my pride, my diseased sensibility, were
there as they had always been, and winced as inevitably under every
offence as my eye winced from an intruding mote. The future, even when
brought within the compass of feeling by a vision that made me shudder,
had still no more than the force of an idea, compared with the force
of present emotion--of my love for Bertha, of my dislike and jealousy
towards my brother.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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