Miss Tottie Van Tootles is handsomely gowned; She has a French maid at her heels, A cottage at Larchmont, a yacht on the Sound, And three or four automobiles. Miss Tottie Van Tootles has published a card To say she’s “At Liberty” now, Which envious persons are pleased to regard As the certain result of a row. With whom? Why, I really can’t say. I don’t know The details of Miss Tottie’s young life; But ’tis whispered, I hear (not above, but below), That an angel has taken a wife. [Illustration: plan of the Water Wagon] A WORD ABOUT THE WAGON The Water Wagon is a ball-bearing, clipper-built craft of the whale-back type, designed by Mac Nesia, and built in Bath, Me. She draws more water than a yacht-club barkeep, and her water-line is eighteen glasses and a pony, with plenty of hang-over. The Water Wagon is equipped with Saratoga springs, which ensure a minimum of jolt, and a complete battery of hydraulic dust-pumps. All the staterooms are heated by Hot Copper system and lighted by carbonic acid gas. Don’t blow it out! Accommodations on the Water Wagon are unlimited. There is always room for one or two more. WATER WAGON MENU (_Breakfast, Dinner, and Supper, and Midnight Snack_) Ammonia cocktail Seedless grapenuts Shredded wild oats Henniker County hand-picked eggs (all flavors) Evaporated Welsh Rabbit (stuffed with raisins) Cold tomales Red, white and blue Saratoga chips H₂O Punch Sliced golf balls with mashie potatoes Boneless blanc-mange Cracked lemon ice Predigested pitless prunes (“Three P” brand) Dent’s well water crackers All water served on our tables is kept absolutely wet by a patent condensing process. Do not trouble to report any inattention on the part of waiters. We have troubles of our own. [Illustration: Jester and clown] The Editors confess that this is a trivial and foolish book, and they will not be offended if you laugh at it. =THE “GEM” SAFETY PARACHUTE= IT FLOATS! =Don’t Jump from the Water Wagon Without One!= No more jolts. No more broken bones. Opens as promptly as a wine agent, descends like mining stock, and lands you gently on both feet every time. Will carry any kind of a load. Sold by all progressive ship-chandlers. _One Man’s Experience_ MR. PHILUP BOIES writes us: “I have taken two trips on the Wagon, and found your parachute a complete success. On the first occasion it landed me safely in a brewery, and on the second in a roof-garden. I have recommended the ‘Gem’ to all my friends as a move in the right direction.” =TAKE A DROP AND SEE FOR YOURSELF= +Fourth Day+ It is much harder to keep on the Water Wagon than on a bucking broncho.—Remington. ⁂ A watered-silk vest is not a badge of temperance. Never judge a man by his vest.—Woodruff. LOG -- Fourth Day