At 5.30 P. M. we made Larchmont. The club-house piazza was crowded with gold braid, yachting-caps, and booze. Wigwagged that we were the Good Ship Lithia, and they signalled back, “Look out for floating mines.” Most of the club members grabbed their drinks and fled to the cyclone cellars, but the daredevils of the rocking-chair fleet sat tight and jeered at us. ⁂ The Lithia’s decks have been cleared for action. ⁂ The Larchmont Commodore has ordered the club torpedo-boat Highball to charge the Lithia (to him). ⁂ Our Captain, alive to the critical situation, has jammed the wheel hard over and given the enemy a broadside of lithia tablets. The Highball has reversed her engines and is heading for the dry-dock. Her hull looks like a half-portion of Swiss cheese. ⁂ The Larchmont Commodore wirelessed to the Millionaire Volunteer Fire Department, which made a record run. They have hooked on to the club’s fire-water plug, and are battering us with a two-inch stream of Glengarry Scotch. We have replied with our starboard battery of bromo-seltzer and a fleet of Whiteheads loaded with strawberry pop. ⁂ The Fire Department has uncoupled, and hooked on to a tank of club cocktails. The deadly stream is burning off the Lithia’s paint. ⁂ Our passengers, led by Hennessy Martel, demand the surrender of the Water Wagon. They are lapping up the decks. ⁂ The mutineers have been driven below, and the hatches cotton-battened down. ⁂ Our gallant Captain looped the Santiago loop and is raking the enemy fore and aft with withering broadsides of moxie. Some of the stuff got into the drinks of the rocking-chair fleet on the club-house piazza, and the loss of life was appalling. ⁂ The enemy, completely demoralized, ran up the white flag, and, scorning to take any prisoners of war, we ’bout-shipped and laid our course for Delaware Water Gap. +Here endeth the third day of the cruise.+ AN EXPERIENCE TABLE March 4. Advertising for girl to do typewriting $ 1.30 9. Violets for typewriter .50 13. Week’s salary, typewriter 10.00 16. Roses for typewriter 2.00 20. Miss Remington’s salary 15.00 20. Candy for wife and children over Sunday .60 22. Box of bonbons for Miss Remington 4.00 26. Lunch with Miss Remington 5.75 27. Daisy’s salary 20.00 29. Theatre and supper with Daisy 19.00 30. Sealskin for wife 225.00 30. Dress for wife’s mother 50.00 30. Advertising for young man to do typewriting 1.30 [Illustration: Revolution] “AT LIBERTY” Miss Tottie Van Tootles is curvy and chic; She sings in “The Prince and the Toad.” Her wage in the city is twenty per week, Twenty-five when she goes on the road.