Humorous stories, American; United States -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction
There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the
mental apparatus and upset the convictions and debauch the emotions
of an audience not practised in the tricks and delusions of oratory.
Wilson sat down victorious. The house submerged him in tides of
approving applause; friends swarmed to him and shook him by the hand
and congratulated him, and Billson was shouted down and not allowed to
say a word. The Chair hammered and hammered with its gavel, and kept
shouting:
“But let us proceed, gentlemen, let us proceed!”
At last there was a measurable degree of quiet, and the hatter said:
“But what is there to proceed with, sir, but to deliver the money?”
Voices. “That’s it! That’s it! Come forward, Wilson!”
The Hatter. “I move three cheers for Mr. Wilson, Symbol of the special
virtue which--”
The cheers burst forth before he could finish; and in the midst
of them--and in the midst of the clamour of the gavel also--some
enthusiasts mounted Wilson on a big friend’s shoulder and were going to
fetch him in triumph to the platform. The Chair’s voice now rose above
the noise:
“Order! To your places! You forget that there is still a document to
be read.” When quiet had been restored he took up the document, and
was going to read it, but laid it down again saying “I forgot; this is
not to be read until all written communications received by me have
first been read.” He took an envelope out of his pocket, removed its
enclosure, glanced at it--seemed astonished--held it out and gazed at
it--stared at it.
Twenty or thirty voices cried out
“What is it? Read it! read it!”
And he did--slowly, and wondering:
“‘The remark which I made to the stranger--[Voices. “Hello! how’s
this?”]--was this: ‘You are far from being a bad man. [Voices. “Great
Scott!”] Go, and reform.’” [Voice. “Oh, saw my leg off!”] Signed by Mr.
Pinkerton the banker.”
The pandemonium of delight which turned itself loose now was of a sort
to make the judicious weep. Those whose withers were unwrung laughed
till the tears ran down; the reporters, in throes of laughter, set down
disordered pot-hooks which would never in the world be decipherable;
and a sleeping dog jumped up scared out of its wits, and barked itself
crazy at the turmoil. All manner of cries were scattered through the
din: “We’re getting rich--_two_ Symbols of Incorruptibility!--without
counting Billson!” “_Three_!--count Shadbelly in--we can’t have too
many!” “All right--Billson’s elected!” “Alas, poor Wilson! victim of
_two_ thieves!”
A Powerful Voice. “Silence! The Chair’s fished up something more out of
its pocket.”
Voices. “Hurrah! Is it something fresh? Read it! read! read!”
The Chair [reading]. “‘The remark which I made,’ etc. ‘You are far from
being a bad man. Go,’ etc. Signed, ‘Gregory Yates.’”
Tornado of Voices. “Four Symbols!” “’Rah for Yates!” “Fish again!”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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