Humorous stories, American; United States -- Social life and customs -- 19th century -- Fiction
“Allow me. It is quite true--that which you are saying, Mr. Richards;
this town _does_ know you two; it _does_ like you; it _does_ respect you;
more--it honours you and _loves_ you--”
Halliday’s voice rang out:
“That’s the hall-marked truth, too! If the Chair is right, let the house
speak up and say it. Rise! Now, then--hip! hip! hip!--all together!”
The house rose in mass, faced toward the old couple eagerly, filled the
air with a snow-storm of waving handkerchiefs, and delivered the cheers
with all its affectionate heart.
The Chair then continued:
“What I was going to say is this: We know your good heart, Mr. Richards,
but this is not a time for the exercise of charity toward offenders.
[Shouts of “Right! right!”] I see your generous purpose in your face,
but I cannot allow you to plead for these men--”
“But I was going to--”
“Please take your seat, Mr. Richards. We must examine the rest of these
notes--simple fairness to the men who have already been exposed requires
this. As soon as that has been done--I give you my word for this--you
shall he heard.”
Many voices. “Right!--the Chair is right--no interruption can be
permitted at this stage! Go on!--the names! the names!--according to the
terms of the motion!”
The old couple sat reluctantly down, and the husband whispered to the
wife, “It is pitifully hard to have to wait; the shame will be greater
than ever when they find we were only going to plead for _ourselves_.”
Straightway the jollity broke loose again with the reading of the names.
“‘You are far from being a bad man--’ Signature, ‘Robert J. Titmarsh.’”
“‘You are far from being a bad man--’ Signature, ‘Eliphalet Weeks.’”
“‘You are far from being a bad man--’ Signature, ‘Oscar B. Wilder.’”
At this point the house lit upon the idea of taking the eight words out
of the Chairman’s hands. He was not unthankful for that. Thenceforward
he held up each note in its turn and waited. The house droned out the
eight words in a massed and measured and musical deep volume of sound
(with a daringly close resemblance to a well-known church chant)--“You
are f-a-r from being a b-a-a-a-d man.” Then the Chair said, “Signature,
‘Archibald Wilcox.’” And so on, and so on, name after name, and
everybody had an increasingly and gloriously good time except the
wretched Nineteen. Now and then, when a particularly shining name was
called, the house made the Chair wait while it chanted the whole of the
test-remark from the beginning to the closing words, “And go to hell or
Hadleyburg--try and make it the for-or-m-e-r!” and in these special cases
they added a grand and agonised and imposing “A-a-a-a-_men_!”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account