The Man Upstairs and Other StoriesWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
The Man Upstairs and Other Stories
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Humorous stories, English
'My interest in the matter,' he said, smoothly, 'is not entirely
haltruistic. For some years back, in fact, since Miss Elsa came out, we
have had a matrimonial sweepstake in the servants' hall at each
house-party. The names of the gentlemen in the party are placed in a hat
and drawn in due course. Should Miss Elsa become engaged to any member
of the party, the pool goes to the drawer of his name. Should no
engagement occur, the money remains in my charge until the following
year, when it is added to the new pool. Hitherto I have 'ad the
misfortune to draw nothing but married gentlemen, but on this occasion
I have secured you, sir. And I may tell you, sir,' he added, with
stately courtesy, 'that, in the opinion of the servants' hall, your
chances are 'ighly fancied,--very 'ighly. The pool has now reached
considerable proportions, and, 'aving had certain losses on the Turf
very recent, I am extremely anxious to win it. So I thought, if I might
take the liberty, sir, I would place my knowledge of the sex at your
disposal. You will find it sound in every respect. That is all. Thank
you, sir.'
Martin's feelings had undergone a complete revulsion. In the last few
minutes the butler had shed his wings and grown horns, cloven feet, and
a forked tail. His rage deprived him of words. He could only gurgle.
'Don't thank me, sir,' said the butler, indulgently. 'I ask no thanks.
We are working together for a common hobject, and any little 'elp I can
provide is given freely.'
'You old scoundrel!' shouted Martin, his wrath prevailing even against
that blue eye. 'You have the insolence to come to me and--'
He stopped. The thought of these hounds, these demons, coolly gossiping
and speculating below stairs about Elsa, making her the subject of
little sporting flutters to relieve the monotony of country life,
choked him.
'I shall tell Mr Keith,' he said.
The butler shook his bald head gravely.
'I shouldn't, sir. It is a 'ighly fantastic story, and I don't think he
would believe it.'
'Then I'll--Oh, get out!'
Keggs bowed deferentially.
'If you wish it, sir,' he said, 'I will withdraw. If I may make the
suggestion, sir, I think you should commence to dress. Dinner will be
served in a few minutes. Thank you, sir.'
He passed softly out of the room.
* * * * *
It was more as a demonstration of defiance against Keggs than because
he really hoped that anything would come of it that Martin approached
Elsa next morning after breakfast. Elsa was strolling on the terrace in
front of the house with the bard, but Martin broke in on the conference
with the dogged determination of a steam-drill.
'Coming out with the guns today, Elsa?' he said.
She raised her eyes. There was an absent look in them.
'The guns?' she said. 'Oh, no; I hate watching men shoot.'
'You used to like it.'
'I used to like dolls,' she said, impatiently.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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