living human bodies crowded into a pit. They jump, fall, crawl, crush
one another, leap on one another’s shoulders, grope everywhere like
blind people, stumbling everywhere over others like themselves,
struggle, and, falling, disappear from sight. Money rustles, soaring
like bats over the heads of the people, and the people greedily stretch
out their hands toward it, the gold and silver jingles, bottles rattle,
corks pop, someone sobs, and a melancholy female voice sings:
“And so let us live while we can, And then--e’en grass may cease to
grow!”
This wild picture fastened itself firmly in Foma’s mind, and growing
clearer, larger and more vivid with each time it arose before him,
rousing in his breast something chaotic, one great indefinite feeling
into which fell, like streams into a river, fear and revolt and
compassion and wrath and many another thing. All this boiled up within
his breast into strained desire, which was thrusting it asunder into a
desire whose power was choking him, and his eyes were filled with tears;
he longed to shout, to howl like a beast, to frighten all the people,
to check their senseless bustle, to pour into the tumult and vanity of
their life something new, his own--to tell them certain loud firm words,
to guide them all into one direction, and not one against another.
He desired to seize them by their heads, to tear them apart one from
another, to thrash some, to fondle others, to reproach them all, to
illumine them with a certain fire.
There was nothing in him, neither the necessary words, nor the fire;
all he had was the longing which was clear to him, but impossible of
fulfillment. He pictured himself above life outside of the deep valley,
wherein people were bustling about; he saw himself standing firmly on
his feet and--speechless. He might have cried to the people:
“See how you live! Aren’t you ashamed?”
And he might have abused them. But if they were to ask on hearing his
voice:
“And how ought we to live?”
It was perfectly clear to him that after such a question he would have
to fly down head foremost from the heights there, beneath the feet of
the throng, upon the millstone. And laughter would accompany him to his
destruction.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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