“It's--it's all right, Loder! It's all right! It's only that I--that
I had a beastly dream. But, for Heaven's sake, shut that window!”
He shivered involuntarily and pushed the lock of damp hair from his
forehead with a weak touch of his old irritability.
In silence Loder moved back to the window and shut it. He was affected
more than he would own even to himself by the obvious change in
Chilcote. He had seen him moody, restless, nervously excited; but never
before had he seen him entirely demoralized. With a dull feeling of
impotence and disgust he stood by the closed window, looking unseeingly
at the roofs of the opposite houses.
But Chilcote had followed his movements restlessly; and now, as he
watched him, a flicker of excitement crossed his face. “God! Loder,”
he said, again, “'twas a relief to see you! I dreamed I was in hell--a
horrible hell, worse than the one they preach about.”
He laughed to reassure himself, but his voice shook pitiably.
Loder, who had come to fight, stood silent and inert.
“It was horrible--beastly,” Chilcote went on. “There was no fire and
brimstone, but there was something worse. It was a great ironic scheme
of punishment by which every man was chained to his own vice--by which
the thing he had gone to pieces over, instead of being denied him, was
made compulsory. You can't imagine it.” He shivered nervously and his
voice rose. “Fancy being satiated beyond the limit of satiety, being
driven and dogged by the thing you had run after all your life!”
He paused excitedly, and in the pause Loder found resolution. He shut
his ears to the panic in Chilcote's voice, he closed his consciousness
to the sight of his shaken face. With a surge of determination he
rallied his theories. After all, he had himself and his own interests
to claim his thought. At the moment Chilcote was a wreck, with no desire
towards rehabilitation; but there was no guarantee that in an hour or
two he might not have regained control over himself, and with it the
inclination that had prompted his letter of the day before. No; he had
himself to look to. The survival of the fittest was the true, the only
principle. Chilcote had had intellect, education, opportunity, and
Chilcote had deliberately cast them aside. Fortifying himself in the
knowledge, he turned from the window and moved slowly back to the bed.
“Look here,” he began, “you wrote for me last night--” His voice was
hard; he had come to fight.
Chilcote glanced up quickly. His mouth was drawn and there was anew
anxiety in his eyes. “Loder!” he exclaimed, quickly. “Loder, come here!
Come nearer!”
Reluctantly Loder obeyed. Stepping closer to the side of the bed, he
bent down.
The other put up his hand and caught his arm. His fingers trembled and
jerked. “I say, Loder,” he said, suddenly, “I--I've had such a beastly
night--my nerves, you know--”
With a quick, involuntary disgust Loder drew back. “Don't you think we
might shove that aside?” he asked.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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