The Master of Mrs. Chilvers: An Improbable Comedy — John Shaqi
The Master of Mrs. Chilvers: An Improbable ComedyJerome, Jerome K. (Jerome Klapka)
General
The Master of Mrs. Chilvers: An Improbable Comedy
Jerome, Jerome K. (Jerome Klapka)
England -- Drama
(_A burst of cheering is heard_. _A shrill male voice_: “_Three cheers
for Winston Churchill_!” _It is followed by an explosion of yells_.)
ST. HERBERT. Who’s that?
LAMB. (_He has opened the window_.) Phoebe Mogton!
SIGSBY. What a family!
(JANET _has entered_.)
JANET. Is that Mrs. Chilvers? (_To_ LAMB _and_ ST. HERBERT.) Good
evening.
ST. HERBERT. Good evening.
LAMB. No; it’s her sister.
JANET. I wonder she doesn’t come.
SIGSBY. What are the latest figures? Do you know?
(PHOEBE _enters_.)
JANET. I forget the numbers. Mrs. Chilvers is forty ahead.
PHOEBE. Forty ahead! (_To_ JANET.) Did you order the band?
LAMB. (_To_ SIGSBY.) The Dock division was against him to a man; that
Shipping Bill has upset them.
JANET. No. I didn’t think we should want the band.
PHOEBE. Not want it! My dear girl—
JANET. Perhaps Lady Mogton has ordered it, I’ll ask her.
(_She goes out_.)
SIGSBY. Hadn’t you better “Wait and see”? It isn’t over yet.
PHOEBE. We may as well have it! It can play the Dead March in “Saul” if
you win. (_She laughs_.)
SIGSBY. (_Grunts_. _To_ LAMB.) Are you coming?
(_He goes out_.)
LAMB. Yes. (_To_ ST. HERBERT.) Are you coming?
ST. HERBERT. Hardly worth while; nearly over, isn’t it?
LAMB. It generally takes an hour and a half. (_He looks at his watch_.)
Another forty minutes. Perhaps less.
(_He goes out_.)
PHOEBE. I do love to make him ratty. Wish it wasn’t poor old Geoff we
were fighting.
ST. HERBERT. When I marry, it will be the womanly woman.
PHOEBE. No chance for me then?
ST. HERBERT. I don’t say that. I can see you taking your political
opinions from your husband, and thinking them your own.
PHOEBE. Good heavens!
ST. HERBERT. The brainy woman will think for herself. And then I
foresee some lively breakfast tables.
PHOEBE. Humph! No fear, I suppose, of a man taking his views from his
wife and thinking them his own?
ST. HERBERT. That may be the solution. The brainy woman will have to
marry the manly man.
(GINGER _enters_.)
JAWBONES. (_He is on his knees blowing the fire_. _In a low growl_.)
Shut the door!
GINGER. Can’t till I’m inside, can I? (_Shuts it_.) Where’s Lady
Mogton?
JAWBONES. I don’t know.
PHOEBE. What do you want her for?
GINGER. Only to tell her that I can’t find Chilvers.
PHOEBE. Isn’t she here?
GINGER. Not unless she’s come while I’ve been out.
(JANET _enters_.)
JANET. Oh, Lady Mogton—
PHOEBE. (_Interrupting her_.) Isn’t Annys here?
JANET. No. (_To_ GINGER.) Haven’t you found her?
GINGER. (_Shakes her head_.) Been everywhere I could think of.
PHOEBE. (_To herself_.) She couldn’t have gone home? Is there a
telephone here?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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