If we wish to make a bee-line For the chicken-pox bacillus, From the hen-house there is nothing to debar us; We may learn from creatures feline What the causes are that kill us When we suffer from infirmities catarrhous! But when dogs' insides we study, Then our hands and hearts grow bloody, And we needn't be a crank or partisan To display a strong objection To the so-called vivisection Of that animal we style the Friend of Man! THE 'WASTER' ['I think that in certain respects the 'Waster' is one of the great forces of Empire; it is in him that the spirit of the Elizabethan gentleman adventurer survives most vigorously. To me the waster is a peculiarly English product; in many respects he appeals to me more than any one in the community.'--Sir HERBERT TREE.] When others praise the pious, My own response is faint; I feel no morbid bias In favour of the saint. My pæans, rather, let me raise To laud the 'Waster' and his ways! I love to watch my hero, As through the streets he struts, With loud 'Pip! Pip!' or 'Cheer Oh!' Greeting his fellow-Nuts, And haunting ev'ry public bar To cadge a cocktail or cigar! [Illustration] Each Saturday, at Brighton, How well he plays the rôle Of Admirable Crichton, At Grand or Metropole! The British Lion's whelp, indeed, True scion of the Bulldog Breed! The 'unco guid' may censure, The prudes their eyebrows raise; His passion for adventure Recalls those spacious days When Britain's flag, from sea to sea, Was borne by 'Wasters' such as he! And soon 'twill be his mission, When fall'n on evil times, To bear the old tradition To far Colonial climes; The seeds of Empire there he'll sow. Meanwhile, I wish to Heav'n he'd go! THE CHOICE [A well-known lady dog-fancier informed a representative of the _Daily Mirror_ that, in case of fire, she would most certainly save her dog rather than her husband.] 'Go! Sound the fire alarm!' she cried. 'My house is all ablaze inside! 'The flames are spreading far and wide; 'The air with smoke is laden! 'My darling's in an upper room! 'Oh, save him from a fiery tomb!' Straight, as she spoke, through sparks and fume Came brave Lieutenant Sladen. Quoth he: 'The horsed-escape is here, ma'am; 'We'll save your husband, never fear, ma'am!' 'My _husband_?' she replied. 'Nay, nay! 'Don't waste your time on _him_, I pray, 'But turn your thoughts without delay 'To things that really matter. 'For though my weaker-half's asleep, 'A faithful lap-dog, too, I keep, 'And if I hold the former cheap, 'I idolise the latter. 'Gladly, to save the best of bow-wows, 'I'd sacrifice,' she sobbed, 'my spou-ouse!