['Gentleman, aged 26, seeks adventure; well up in finance, badminton, tennis, swimming, canoeing, bridge, and mechanics; banker's reference, if required.'--The _Times_.] My word! I'm the chap for adventures! There's nothing on earth I can't do, From dabbling in doubtful debentures To paddling a birch-bark canoe! At golf, when I get into trouble, How 'dead' my approaches are laid! At bridge, how I dauntlessly double Each spade! While as for lawn-tennis, there never was yet A player who volleyed so hard at the net! At chess I've invented a gambit That fills my opponents with dread; At billiards I don't care a d---- bit _How_ often I pocket the red! In water I swim like a salmon, At football I kick all the goals; I'm simply first-class at backgammon Or bowls, And, really, I'm equally deft and adroit When I'm handling a mallet or pitching a quoit! And now for employment I hanker Where gifts such as mine are of use; (A character, backed by my banker, I'm only too glad to produce). A life of adventure that's brimming With badminton, bridge, and canoes, With simple mechanics and swimming, I'd choose---- A life for a man who's 'well up in finance,' With a sprinkling of sport and a dash of romance! A PLEA FOR PONTO [Sir Frederick Banbury moved in the House of Commons:--'That in the opinion of this House no operation for the purpose of vivisection should be performed upon dogs.'] When you're studying the habits Of the germ of German measles, When you're searching out a cure for indigestion, You may practise upon rabbits, Upon guinea-pigs, or weasels, If you think that they throw light upon the question; You may note how bad the bite is Of the microbe of bronchitis, By performing operations upon frogs, But I've yet to hear the mention Of a surgical invention That can justify experiments on DOGS. I would sooner people perished Of lumbago or swine-fever (Or, at any rate, I'd rather they should chance it!) Than that any hound I cherished From a 'pom' to a retriever, Should be subject to the vivisector's lancet. I know nought of theoretics, But in spite of anæsthetics --Ether, chloroform or other soothing drug-- (Though perhaps I argue wrongly) I should disapprove most strongly, If I found a person puncturing my pug!