Yesterday at eight in the evening he came to see me. I thought at first
he wanted some money urgently. But very soon I reflected that he need
not have looked so embarrassed in that case. And presently I discovered
that it was not money that he was in need of. He looked as though
he had come, with that characteristic gravity of his--so unlike his
father--to seek absolution at my hands. But that intention he judged
more decorous, I suppose, to present to me as a case of conscience.
Of course it was the case of a girl--not his _fiancée_. At first I
thought he was in an ugly scrape. Nothing of the kind. The excellent
creature who had accepted his protection for some two years past--how
dull they must have seemed to her--was perhaps for that reason
perfectly resigned to forego that advantage. At the same time, she was
not too proud to accept a certain provision, compensation--whatever you
like to call it. I had never heard of anything so proper in my life. He
need not have explained the matter to me at all. But evidently he had
made up his mind to indulge in the luxury of a conscience.
To indulge that sort of conscience leads one almost as far as indulged
passion, only, I cannot help thinking, on a more sordid road. A luxury
snatched from the fire is in a way purified, but to find this one he
had gone apparently to the bottom of his heart. I don’t charge him with
a particularly odious degree of corruption, but I perceived clearly
that what he wanted really was to project the sinful effect of that
irregular connection--let us call it--into his regulated, reformed,
I may say lawfully blessed state--for the sake of retrospective
enjoyment, I suppose. This rather subtle, if unholy, appetite, he
was pleased to call the voice of his conscience. I listened to his
dialectic exercises till the great word that was sure to come out
sooner or later was pronounced.
“It seems,” he said, with every appearance of distress, “that from a
strictly moral point of view I ought to make a clean breast of it to
Annie.”
I listened to him--and, by Heaven, listening to him I _do_ feel
like the Godhead of whom I have already written to you. You know,
positively he said that at the very moment of his “fall” he had thought
of what _I_ should think of him. And I said:
“My good Edward, you are the most debauched person I have ever met.”
His face fell, his soft lips dropped right down into a horseshoe. He
had come to me as one of those bland optimists _would_ go to his deity.
He expected to be able to say: “I have sinned,” and to be able to hear
the Deity say: “That’s all right, your very frank confession does you
infinite credit.” His deity was, in fact, to find him some way out of
his moral hole. I was to find him some genial excuse; to make him feel
good in his excellent digestion once more. That was, absolutely, his
point of view, for at my brutal pronouncement he stuttered:
“But--but surely ... the faults of youth ... and surely there are
plenty of others?...”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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