One reads that men who have been condemned for long years to solitary
imprisonment go mad. But I think that even that sad gift from
Omnipotent Fate would not be mine. As I figure the world to myself,
Fate is terrible only to those who surrender to her. If I surrendered,
to the extent of living to go to prison, then assuredly the future must
be uniformly heavy, uniformly doomed, in my eyes. For I would as soon
be mad as anything else I can think of. But I should not go mad. Men go
mad because of the opportunities they miss: because the world changes
outside their prison walls, or because their children starve. But I
have no opportunities to miss or take: the changes of the world to me
are nothing, and there is no soul between whom and starvation I could
stand.
Whilst I am about making this final disposition of my properties--let
me tell you finally what I have done in regard to your husband himself.
It is a fact--and this I have been keeping up my sleeve as a final
surprise for you--that he is almost cured....
But I have just received an incomprehensible note from Edward Burden.
He asks me for some particulars as to his confounded estate and whether
I can lend him some thousands of pounds at short notice. Heaven knows
what new scrape this is that he’s in. Of course this may precipitate my
crash. But whatever happens, I shall find time to write my final words
to you--and nothing else really matters....
VII
I haven’t yet discovered what Edward Burden is doing. I have found him
a good round sum upon mortgage--the irony of the position being that
the money is actually his whilst the mortgage does not actually exist.
He says that what he is doing with the money will please me. I suppose
that means that he’s embarking upon some sort of speculation which he
imagines that I would favour. It is odd that he should think that I
find gratification in his imitating myself.
But why should I concern myself with this thing at all? Nothing in the
world can ever please or displease me any more. For I have taken my
resolve: this is my last night upon earth. When I lay down this pen
again, I shall never take up any pen more. For I have said all that I
can say to you. I am utterly tired out. To-night I shall make up into
a parcel all these letters--I must sit through the night because it is
only to-morrow morning that I shall be able to register the parcel to
you--and registering it will be my last act upon the habitable globe.
For biting through the glass in the ring will be not an action, but the
commencement of a new train of thought. Or perhaps only my final action
will come to an end when you read these words in Rome. Or will that be
only thought--the part of me that lives--pleading to you to give your
thoughts for company. I feel too tired to think the matter out!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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