The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 1Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
History
The Orpheus C. Kerr Papers, Series 1
Newell, R. H. (Robert Henry)
United States -- History -- Civil War, 1861-1865 -- Fiction
"Pause, fair youth," says the Board. "What makes you think that General
Scott had a son named 'Whahae'? We never heard that before."
"Ha!" says Villiam, agreeably, "that's because you don't know poickry.
Why," says Villiam, "if you'll just turn to Burns' works, you'll learn
that
"'Scot's wha' ha'e wi' Wallace bled,'
"and if that ain't good authority, where's your Shakspeare?"
The Board was so pleased with Villiam's learning, my boy, that it gave
him his commission, presented him with two gun-boats and a cannon, and
recommended him for President of the New York Historical Society.
It was rumored in camp last night, that the army would go into
winter-quarters, and I asked Colonel Wobinson if he couldn't lend me a
few of the quarters in advance, as I felt like going in right away. He
explained to me that winter-quarters would only be taken in exchange
for Treasury Notes, and I withdrew my proposition for a popular loan.
Yours, speculatively,
ORPHEUS C. KERR.
LETTER XX.
CONCERNING A SIGNIFICANT BRITISH OUTRAGE, AND THE CAPTURE OF MASON AND
SLIDELL.
WASHINGTON, D.C., November 24th, 1861.
Mr. Seward, my boy, who takes the Oath with much sugar in it, and is
likewise Secretary of State, will probably write twenty-four letters to
all the Governors this week, in consequence of a recent outrage
committed by Great Britain. I may remark with great indignation, that
Great Britain is a member of one of the New York regiments, my boy, and
enlisted for the express purpose of stretching his legs. He is shaped
something like a barrel of ale, and has a chin that looks like an
apple-dumpling with a stitch in its side. As I rode slowly along near
Fort Corcoran, on my Gothic steed Pegasus, about an hour ago, admiring
the beauties of Nature, and smoking a pipe which was presented to me by
the Women of America, I espied Great Britain seated by the roadside,
contemplating an army biscuit. These biscuit, my boy, as I stated last
week, were discovered amid the ruins of Herculaneum, and were at first
taken for meteoric stones.
"Good morning, old Neutrality," says I, affably, "You appear to be lost
in religious meditation."
"Ah!" says he, sighing like the great behemoth of the Scriptures, "I
was thinking of the way of the transgressor. If the hinspired writers,"
says he, "thought the way of the transgressor was 'ard, I wonder what
they'd think about this 'ere biscuit."
"You're jealous of America," says I, "and it will be the painful duty
of the Union, the Constitution, and the Enforcement of the Law to
capture Canada, if you continue your abolition harangues against the
best, the most beneficent and powerful bread in the civilized world."
"Bread!" says he, with a groan in three syllables, "do you call this
ere biscuit bread? Why," says he, "this ere biscuit is Geology, and if
it were in old Hingland, it would be taken for one of the Elgin
marbles, and placed in the British Museum."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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