The Physiology of Marriage, CompleteBalzac, Honoré de
General
The Physiology of Marriage, Complete
Balzac, Honoré de
Marriage -- Humor
One night in particular he exhausted the resources
of his sorceries, and crowned all by a last effort. He came, he sat on
the edge of the bed like a young maiden full of love, who at first keeps
silence but whose eyes sparkle, until at last her secret escapes her.
“This,” said he, “is a prospectus of a new life-buoy, by means of which
one can pass over the Seine dry-footed. This other pamphlet is the
report of the Institute on a garment by wearing which we can pass
through flames without being burnt. Have you no scheme which can
preserve marriage from the miseries of excessive cold and excessive
heat? Listen to me! Here we have a book on the _Art_ of preserving
foods; on the _Art_ of curing smoky chimneys; on the _Art_ of making
good mortar; on the _Art_ of tying a cravat; on the _Art_ of carving
meat.”
In a moment he had named such a prodigious number of books that the
author felt his head go round.
“These myriads of books,” says he, “have been devoured by readers; and
while everybody does not build a house, and some grow hungry, and others
have no cravat, or no fire to warm themselves at, yet everybody to some
degree is married. But come look yonder.”
He waved his hand, and appeared to bring before me a distant ocean where
all the books of the world were tossing up and down like agitated waves.
The octodecimos bounded over the surface of the water. The octavos as
they were flung on their way uttered a solemn sound, sank to the bottom,
and only rose up again with great difficulty, hindered as they were by
duodecimos and works of smaller bulk which floated on the top and melted
into light foam. The furious billows were crowded with journalists,
proof-readers, paper-makers, apprentices, printers’ agents, whose hands
alone were seen mingled in the confusion among the books. Millions of
voices rang in the air, like those of schoolboys bathing. Certain men
were seen moving hither and thither in canoes, engaged in fishing out
the books, and landing them on the shore in the presence of a tall man,
of a disdainful air, dressed in black, and of a cold, unsympathetic
expression. The whole scene represented the libraries and the public.
The demon pointed out with his finger a skiff freshly decked out with
all sails set and instead of a flag bearing a placard. Then with a peal
of sardonic laughter, he read with a thundering voice: _Physiology of
Marriage_.
The author fell in love, the devil left him in peace, for he would have
undertaken more than he could handle if he had entered an apartment
occupied by a woman. Several years passed without bringing other
torments than those of love, and the author was inclined to believe that
he had been healed of one infirmity by means of another which took its
place. But one evening he found himself in a Parisian drawing-room where
one of the men among the circle who stood round the fireplace began the
conversation by relating in a sepulchral voice the following anecdote:
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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