The Poems and Prose of Ernest Dowson, With a Memoir by Arthur SymonsDowson, Ernest Christopher
General
The Poems and Prose of Ernest Dowson, With a Memoir by Arthur Symons
Dowson, Ernest Christopher
Authors, English; English poetry
poorer than most poor persons: how could he refuse the post, which,
through the good offices of a friend, was just then unexpectedly
offered him? Certainly, it was abroad; it implied five years' solitude
in Equatorial America. Separation and change were to be accounted;
perhaps, diseases and death, and certainly his 'luck,' which seemed to
include all these. But it also promised, when the term of his exile
was up, and there were means of shortening it, a certain competence,
and very likely wealth; escaping those other contingencies, marriage.
There seemed no other way. The girl was very young: there was no
question of an early marriage; there was not even a definite
engagement. Garth would take no promise from her: only for himself, he
was her bound lover while he breathed; would keep himself free to
claim her, when he came back in five years, or ten, or twenty, if she
had not chosen better. He would not bind her; but I can imagine how
impressive his dark, bitter face must have made this renunciation to
the little girl with the violet eyes; how tenderly she repudiated her
freedom. She went out as a governess, and sat down to wait. And
absence only rivetted faster the chain of her affection: it set Garth
more securely on the pedestal of her idea; for in love it is most
usually the reverse of that social maxim, _les absents ont toujours
tort_, which is true.
Garth, on his side, writing to her, month by month, while her picture
smiled on him from the wall, if he was careful always to insist on her
perfect freedom, added, in effect, so much more than this, that the
renunciation lost its benefit. He lived in a dream of her; and the
memory of her eyes and her hair was a perpetual presence with him,
less ghostly than the real company among whom he mechanically
transacted his daily business. Burnt away and consumed by desire of
her living arms, he was counting the hours which still prevented him
from them. Yet, when his five years were done, he delayed his return,
although his economies had justified it; settled down for another term
of five years, which was to be prolonged to seven. Actually, the
memory of his old poverty, with its attendant dishonours, was grown a
fury, pursuing him ceaselessly with whips. The lust of gain, always
for the girl's sake, and so, as it were, sanctified, had become a
second nature to him; an intimate madness, which left him no peace.
His worst nightmare was to wake with a sudden shock, imagining that he
had lost everything, that he was reduced to his former poverty: a cold
sweat would break all over him before he had mastered the horror. The
recurrence of it, time after time, made him vow grimly, that he would
go home a rich man, rich enough to laugh at the fantasies of his luck.
Latterly, indeed, this seemed to have changed; so that his vow was
fortunately kept. He made money lavishly at last: all his operations
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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