The Red Light of Mars; or, A Day in the Life of the Devil: A Philosophical ComedyBronson-Howard, George
Philosophy
The Red Light of Mars; or, A Day in the Life of the Devil: A Philosophical Comedy
Bronson-Howard, George
Devil -- Drama; Long Island (N.Y.) -- Drama
He wagged once. That means the mattress is torn up.
AGNUS
I asked him: “Is it all right?” And he nodded. (_To the light_) Didn’t
you, Mr. Magnus?
[_The light wags crosswise, as though it was shaking its head._
THE DEVIL
He says “no.”
AGNUS
No? Yes?
THE DEVIL
Look here; we agreed: if the bombs were found, once; not found, twice.
(_To the light_) Which is it? Once or twice?
[_The light wags once._
AGNUS (_wildly_)
Oh! oh! oh! I must get away! Hide!
[_Fanny flings open the door without knocking._
THE DEVIL (_to Agnus, indicating her_)
What did I tell you!
[_Agnus stops, forgetting all about the police._
THE DEVIL (_to Agnus_)
Go on! Get away! Hide! Do it!
[_Agnus stares at Fanny. Fanny advances as though searching for
something. The Devil looks at her inquiringly._
FANNY (_to Schwartzenhopfel_)
Mr. Magnus, you needn’t think I came back to see him. I left my veil
somewhere about.
THE DEVIL (_winking to Agnus_)
Denver to San Francisco—tooth-brush!
FANNY
I wish you’d help me find it and let me go, Mr. Magnus.
THE DEVIL
So you lost your tooth-brush?
FANNY
Mr. Magnus—my veil—
THE DEVIL
Veil—tooth-brush—any excuse will do.
FANNY (_ignoring him_)
Mr. Magnus, your chauffeur says the snow’s getting deep. We should
start immediately.
THE DEVIL
You take the car, Fanny. You and your mother. You go back. Mr. Magnus
stays here.
[_Schwartzenhopfel smiles weakly._
FANNY
Mr. Magnus—you—staying here—with this person?
[_Schwartzenhopfel smiles more weakly._
FANNY
Not on my account, Mr. Magnus, please. All is over between us.
THE DEVIL (_instructively_)
In moments of anger, the débutante’s language and the shop-girl’s
cannot be distinguished. That is because—while débutantes are taught
proper language for ordinary things, no one can be taught proper
language for extraordinary things. So, as both débutantes and
shop-girls read the best-selling novels, both go to them for the
language of distress. Hence the similarity. (_With college professor’s
gesture_) Class on Feminine Psychology dismissed for the day. Our next
subject will be: How to Insult Young Ladies so That They Won’t Come
Back.
FANNY
You acknowledge you insulted me then?
THE DEVIL
Cheerfully!
FANNY
You hear that, Mr. Magnus?
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_with a weak smile_)
I hear it.
FANNY
And you—in spite of insults to the daughter of the woman you profess to
care for—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
What! (_He starts violently_)
FANNY
You continue under his roof—
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL
Well, you see, I like the Doc—the Doctor. I am interested in his work.
I just gave—
[_The Devil nudges him._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_brightly_)
Oh, it’s all right, Doctor. I was just going to tell her I gave you a
check for two million dollars!
[_Fanny stands speechless._
SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_anxiously, seeing The Devil scowling_) Oh, quite
legitimate—scientific research. For scientific research—er—rightly
researched, you know—what is two million—that is, to me!
THE DEVIL
You fool!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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