GRANDMA, (knits) Dear me! Dear me! I thought when I started this Academy the girls would flock to it most eagerly. When I was a young girl my mother would have been glad to have an academy like this for me to attend. I don't know what the world is coming to. Suffragists and Suffragettes, and Suffrage--this and Suffrage--that! If this academy wasn't sustained by the Anti-suffrage League it would have to close its doors. (_sees a book on table, takes it in hand_) "Woman and Her Rights." (_with disgust_) Augh! Who brought that here? (_throws it on floor_) I declare, I believe this is the last stronghold of the old-fashioned home-loving woman. I teach the girls to be good wives, (_door bell rings_) (_enter_ PAULINE) PAULINE, (_curtseys_) If you please, mam, there's a female at the door says she is the new Professor of Husbandology. It's Susan Jane Jones, mam. GRANDMA. Show her in, Pauline. PAULINE. Yes'm. GRANDMA. Don't forget your curtsey, Pauline. PAULINE. No'm. (_curtseys_) (_exit_ PAULINE) GRANDMA. I hope Susan Jane Jones will be a real nice lady. There's nothing in the world more necessary than lessons on the Proper Treatment of Husbands. Women don't seem to know how to treat husbands now-a-days. They neglect 'em, the poor things. When I was a girl--(_enter_ Susan Jane Jones.) SUSAN. (_strides into room with umbrella held by middle and hand bag under one atm. Slaps them on table, and begins pulling off her gloves_) Well, here I am-- GRANDMA. (_mildly_) Don't forget your curtsey, Miss Jones. SUSAN. (surprised) Hey? What's that? GRANDMA. (_gently_) All the faculty and students curtsey when they come into my presence, Miss Jones. It is a sweet old-fashioned custom-- SUSAN. (_briskly_) Well, I'll soon change that--I mean, Howdy! Howdy! (_bobs several times_) (_aside_) I must not forget I am here as a spy in the enemy's country. If you are going to do the Romans you must do as the Romans do. (to GRANDMA) Swell joint you've got here, old lady. GRANDMA, (_rubbing knees_) Swell joints? Yes, my dear, a little rheumatiz makes the joints swell. But I don't complain. I'm an old lady. I have to expect some aches and pains at my time of life. I'm thankful I can do a little good work in the world. Do you understand What your duties will be? SUSAN. Sure Mike! I'm the Husbandology lady. I teach the girls how to treat their husbands when they get 'em. GRANDMA. Just so. You will lecture on How to Coddle and Pet a Husband. Five lectures. Then you will give five lectures on Smoothing the Lines of Care from Hubby's Brow. Then--of course you show by example how all this is done. SUSAN. By example? You don't have a man here, do you? GRANDMA. We use the practical method in our classes. "Practice makes perfect," you know, (_calls_) Pauline! PAULINE, (_off stage_) Yes'm, I'm comin'. GRANDMA, (_calling_) Bring me the Ideal Husband, Pauline. PAULINE. Yes'm. In a minute, mam.