Mrs. MALAPROP Your being Sir Anthony's son, captain, would itself be a sufficient accommodation; but from the ingenuity of your appearance, I am convinced you deserve the character here given of you. ABSOLUTE Permit me to say, madam, that as I never yet have had the pleasure of seeing Miss Languish, my principal inducement in this affair at present is the honour of being allied to Mrs. Malaprop; of whose intellectual accomplishments, elegant manners, and unaffected learning, no tongue is silent. Mrs. MALAPROP Sir, you do me infinite honour! I beg, captain, you'll be seated.--[They sit.] Ah! few gentlemen, now-a-days, know how to value the ineffectual qualities in a woman! few think how a little knowledge becomes a gentlewoman!--Men have no sense now but for the worthless flower of beauty! ABSOLUTE It is but too true, indeed, ma'am;--yet I fear our ladies should share the blame--they think our admiration of beauty so great, that knowledge in them would be superfluous. Thus, like garden-trees, they seldom show fruit, till time has robbed them of the more specious blossom.--Few, like Mrs. Malaprop and the orange-tree, are rich in both at once! Mrs. MALAPROP Sir, you overpower me with good-breeding.--He is the very pine-apple of politeness!--You are not ignorant, captain, that this giddy girl has somehow contrived to fix her affections on a beggarly, strolling, eaves-dropping ensign, whom none of us have seen, and nobody knows anything of. ABSOLUTE Oh, I have heard the silly affair before.--I'm not at all prejudiced against her on that account. Mrs. MALAPROP You are very good and very considerate, captain. I am sure I have done everything in my power since I exploded the affair; long ago I laid my positive conjunctions on her, never to think on the fellow again;--I have since laid Sir Anthony's preposition before her; but, I am sorry to say, she seems resolved to decline every particle that I enjoin her. ABSOLUTE It must be very distressing, indeed, ma'am. Mrs. MALAPROP Oh! it gives me the hydrostatics to such a degree.--I thought she had persisted from corresponding with him; but, behold, this very day, I have interceded another letter from the fellow; I believe I have it in my pocket. ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Oh, the devil! my last note. Mrs. MALAPROP Ay, here it is. ABSOLUTE [Aside.] Ay, my note indeed! O the little traitress Lucy. Mrs. MALAPROP There, perhaps you may know the writing. [Gives him the letter.] ABSOLUTE I think I have seen the hand before--yes, I certainly must have seen this hand before---- Mrs. MALAPROP Nay, but read it, captain. ABSOLUTE [Reads.] _My soul's idol, my adored Lydia!_--Very tender, indeed! Mrs. MALAPROP Tender! ay, and profane too, o' my conscience. ABSOLUTE [Reads.] _I am excessively alarmed at the intelligence you send me, the more so as my new rival_---- Mrs. MALAPROP That's you, sir.