The Schoolmistress: A Farce in Three ActsPinero, Arthur Wing
General
The Schoolmistress: A Farce in Three Acts
Pinero, Arthur Wing
Comedy plays; English drama -- 19th century
Awfully well. [_They sit, the three girls in a row. Dinah in the centre,
Gwendoline and Ermyntrude taking her hands._]
QUECKETT.
[_To himself._] Instructions in Polite Conversation. [_Brusquely to
Dinah._] How is Paulover?
DINAH.
I think he's very well, thank you.
QUECKETT.
[_To himself._] Carrie would be pleased. [_To the girls._] H'm! I
suppose you young ladies distinctly understand that I occupy a painfully
false position this evening?
DINAH.
I am sure it is very, very kind of you to give this party.
QUECKETT.
[_To himself_] Well, now, that's exceedingly appropriate, the way in
which that is put. Carrie really does do her duty to the parents of
these girls.
GWENDOLINE.
Peggy says you insist on our calling you Uncle.
QUECKETT.
Does she? [_To himself_]. Peggy is the one I've turned against.
ERMYNTRUDE.
We think you'll be an awfully jolly uncle.
QUECKETT.
[_Pleased._] Thank ye--thank ye. [_To himself._] I begin to like helping
Carrie with the pupils. [_Peggy enters. She is quaintly but untidily
dressed in poor, much worn, and old-fashioned finery. In her hand she
carries a pair of soiled, long white gloves._] Hallo! [_Without speaking
a word, Peggy hurries across the room and goes out._] What is the matter
with that vexing girl now? [_Peggy re-enters with Tyler, pushing him
forward._]
TYLER.
[_Announcing._] Miss Margaret Hesslerigge. [_Peggy advances to Queckett,
holding out her hand._]
PEGGY.
How do you do?
QUECKETT.
[_Savagely._] How d'ye do--delighted to see you--for goodness' sake,
sit down! [_He turns away to the fire. The three girls rise to greet
Peggy._]
Dinah.
[_Anxiously.'_] I don't think it's nearly half-past nine yet.
PEGGY.
[_Rather proudly, produces a huge, old-fashioned watch._] Twenty to ten.
DINAH.
I thought it was. [_Dinah, Gwendoline, and Ermyntrude run to one window,
pull aside the blind, and look out. Peggy goes to the other window,
pulls up the blind and opens the window._]
QUECKETT.
What are you doing?
PEGGY.
I can just see him, under his lamp-post.
DINAH.
The fog will hurt him.
PEGGY.
Hush! I told him we'd whistle twice.
DINAH.
Do it!
PEGGY.
[_Peggy makes two or three ineffectual attempts to whistle._] Girls,
it's ominous--my whistle has left me. [_ To Queckett, taking his arm._]
Come and whistle!
QUECKETT.
No--no.
PEGGY.
[_Leading Queckett to the open window._] Whistle, or you'll catch cold.
[_Queckett whistles twice, desperately, then returns to the fireplace,
annoyed._] He's heard it. [_She closes the window and pulls down the
blind._] Now, listen. [_To Gwendoline and Ermyntrude._] You two girls
count five.
GWENDOLINE.
One.
ERMYNTRUDE.
Two.
DINAH.
Oh, how slowly you count!
GWENDOLINE.
Three.
ERMYNTRUDE.
Four.
DINAH.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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