The Schoolmistress: A Farce in Three ActsPinero, Arthur Wing
General
The Schoolmistress: A Farce in Three Acts
Pinero, Arthur Wing
Comedy plays; English drama -- 19th century
[_Laughing, to Saunders._] I say, you shouldn't have left the old
gentleman.
SAUNDERS.
[_Laughing._] He sent me up to count how many more stairs there were.
QUECKETT.
[_Impatiently._] Jack, I don't put the question on theological grounds,
but who is the old gentleman?
MALLORY.
Oh, I beg your pardon--and his. We persuaded an old acquaintance of
yours to join us--Admiral Rankling.
QUECKETT.
[_Aghast._] What!
MALLORY.
Do you mind?
QUECKETT.
Mind!
RANKLING.
[_Outside.'_] Mr. Saunders!
SAUNDERS.
Here, sir.
[_Peggy makes a bolt out of the room. Saunders goes to the door, and
returns with Rankling. Rankling is in evening dress, overcoat, and
muffler, and is much out if breath._]
RANKLING.
Ah, Mr. Queckett, how do you do? We haven't met anywhere lately; I've
been away, you know.
QUECKETT.
I am delighted to renew our acquaintance, Admiral Rankling.
RANKLING.
[_Puffing._] Mr. Mallory suggested that we should smoke our last cigar
at your lodgings. I can't stay, for I've a long distance to drive home.
At least, I suppose I have, for I really don't know quite where we are.
What quarter of London have you brought me to, Mr. Mallory? Oh, thank
ye! [_He turns to Saunders, who is offering to remove his overcoat. The
door is slightly opened, and the heads of all the girls are seen. _]
QUECKETT.
[_Hastily to Mallory._] He doesn't know where he is!
MALLORY.
The fog's as thick as a board outside.
QUECKETT.
He isn't aware he lives a hundred and fifty yards off!
MALLORY.
No--does he?
QUECKETT.
Hush, don't tell him! Jack, don't tell him! I'll explain why by-and-by.
[_Queckett turns to assist Saunders who, mounted on a chair, is
struggling ineffectually to relieve Rankling of his overcoat._]
RANKLING.
Thank ye--bits o' boys, bits o' boys.
MALLORY.
[_To himself._] There's a wild look about poor Queckett I don't like.
It's his lonely bachelor life, I suppose. Curious place too--he used to
be such a swell in the Albany. [_Looking about him. The door shuts and
the heads disappear._]
RANKLING.
[_To Queckett._] Thank ye--thank ye. [_Panting._] Ouf! [_Rankling sits
down, and Mallory talks to him. Saunders has seated himself on the sofa
and is dozing off, quite tired out. _]
QUECKETT.
Oh, what a party! [_ The door opens, and Peggy's head appears._]
PEGGY.
[_Hurriedly to Queckett._] Who'd have thought of this?
QUECKETT.
It might be worse--he doesn't recognise the house he is in.
PEGGY.
Doesn't he?
QUECKETT.
Get rid of his daughter and that horrid Paulover.
PEGGY.
Certainly not; I know he won't recognise his daughter.
QUECKETT.
Won't recognise his own dau--you'll drive me mad! [_They continue to
talk in undertones. Saunders is now fast asleep._]
RANKLING.
[_To Mallory._] No--I don't like the look of poor Queckett.
MALLORY.
He seems altered.
RANKLING.
Altered--he glares like the devil. He's not married, is he?
MALLORY.
No.
RANKLING.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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