The Secret Life: Being the Book of a HereticBisland, Elizabeth
Philosophy
The Secret Life: Being the Book of a Heretic
Bisland, Elizabeth
Diaries
With sleep, the will becomes dormant. Waking, it guards and governs;
chooses what we shall do and be and think; stands sentinel over the
mind and rejects all comers with which it is not familiar. Unless the
thought comes from within the known borders of the body's own life, the
will will have none of it. But overtaken by fatigue and sinking into
slumber with the night, his domain is left fenceless and unpatrolled,
for with the will goes his troop of watchmen, judgment, logic,
deliberation, ethics; and memory, ungoverned and uncontrolled, holds a
feast of misrule. The barrier between past and present melts away; all
his ancestors are merged into the individual; the events of the day are
inextricably tangled with those of two centuries since, and this motley
play of time is called a dream.
A man going back but to his great grandparents has already fourteen
direct progenitors, and is heir of such strange or striking episodes of
their fourteen lives as were sufficiently deeply impressed upon their
memories to be transmittable. This alone is enough, one would think,
to provide all the nights with material for the queer kaleidoscopic
jumbling of leavings, with which the nimble mind diverts itself,
turning over the leaves of its old picture-book alone in the dark while
its sluggish comrade snores; but there is no reason to believe that
there is a limit to these inheritances.
The most vivid sensation my night memory holds is of finding myself
standing alone, high up in a vast arena. It is open to the sky and
the night is falling swiftly and warm. Everyone has gone but myself,
but there is a tremulous sensation in my mind, as of very recent
excitement, noise, and tumult. I am waiting for someone who is coming
through the arched door on the left, and I rise to go. I feel the
rough coolness of the stone beneath my hand as I help myself to rise,
and upon my throat and bosom I have a sensation of the light wool of
my garment. It has the vivid familiarity of a personal and perfectly
natural experience--so strong that, waking, I retain as keen a sense
of it as if it were a happening of yesterday. I remember many more
dreams of this type--momentary flashes of sensation of the trivial
things about me, such as all persons have felt in their waking lives,
only that the things about me in my dreams are totally unfamiliar to
my waking brain. In one of these I am emerging from the back door of a
small white house--intensely white in the glare of a fierce sun. The
house seems square and flat-topped, built of stone and with no windows
visible here in the rear. It opens on a narrow street of similar
residences. A man is with me, dressed in a long black robe and wearing
a curious black head-dress. He is reproaching me and remonstrating
violently concerning my indifference in regard to religious matters. I
look away, annoyed and bored by his vehemence, and the whole picture
vanishes. It was as clear, as natural and familiar, as my own waking
life, while it lasted....
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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