The Secret Life: Being the Book of a HereticBisland, Elizabeth
Philosophy
The Secret Life: Being the Book of a Heretic
Bisland, Elizabeth
Diaries
I suppose that everyone who has reached maturity has been aware of
a sense of a dual personality--of a something within him that is a
_me_ and a _not me_; of opposing influences that puzzle his judgment,
weaken his resolves, and warp his intention. These natures he finds
engaged in an eternal conflict which sways him from the course he would
instinctively follow, and draws him along lines of thought and conduct
satisfying to neither side of his being, and achieving only a helpless
compromise between the two.
"To be?"--"Or _not_ to be?" contend the two at every crossing of the
tangled meshes of existence, and neither disputant is ever convinced by
the other's logic.
"To sleep"--says one. "Perchance to dream," replies the other coldly;
and so gives pause to Hamlet's swift intentions.
Which is the real man? The Hamlet whose soul lusts for sudden brute
revenge, whose promptings are the instinctive play of the natural man,
or that frigid censor who checks the impulses of the first speaker
and chills him with cold reasons and balancings of right and wrong,
so that the sword falls from his nerveless hand at the very moment of
opportunity? Or after all, is the real man the one whose actions are
a continual endeavour to steer between the two promptings; the Hamlet
whose doings are not in direct answer to either voice--are but furious
and confused outbursts of indecision?
If it were at all possible to decide between the two, one would incline
to think that the second voice, that chilling critic, was another self,
alien to us, though entrenched in the very depths of the soul--was the
_not me_, in everlasting opposition to the _me_--was the past warring
with the present.
The warm, impulsive, blundering _me_ we know, but who is that other?
Whence comes this double, this _alter ego_, this bosom's lord, and
strange, nameless ghost who haunts the house of life? How many thousand
deaths have we died to give him life? For he is inexpressibly aged,
infinitely sophisticated; and while the _me_ still crowns its locks
with youth's golden illusions, he is grey with knowledge and hoary with
disenchantment. Though a part of our most intimate selves, he is not at
one with us. He sympathizes with none of our enthusiasms, is tempted by
none of our sins.... Sins!... what should he do eating forbidden fruit
who is all compounded of the knowledge of good and evil?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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