The Secret Life: Being the Book of a HereticBisland, Elizabeth
Philosophy
The Secret Life: Being the Book of a Heretic
Bisland, Elizabeth
Diaries
Perhaps he is, underneath all that propriety, still so close to
savagery that he dare not trust himself to be natural lest he instantly
relapse into barbarism. After many generations of breeding he dare be
savage and free again if he like--he is so sure of himself. As Mrs.
B---- says, he becomes at last "A man who can afford to put his elbows
on the table."
When he reaches such a point I notice he is always impatient of the
constraint of those still bound by the shackles of self-conscious
propriety, forgetting that he owes his own freedom to many generations
that laboured in bonds, struggling to slay or subdue the savage....
October 14.
An Autumn Impulse.
A bird sat on the balcony rail just outside my window to-day gossiping
with an unseen neighbour perched somewhere out of my range of vision.
He was rather a grimy little person, and as the day was cold he made a
perfect puff ball of himself. I listened to them conversing with great
interest, feeling, as I always do when I hear birds talk, that if I
only paid a little closer attention it would be possible to understand
all they say. It is somewhat the same sensation one has in overhearing
a rapid dialogue in French which one is too lazy to try to follow. When
I came through I think I left some of the doors ajar behind me, and
I remember my bird avatar especially clearly. Even yet, when autumn
comes, I am pursued by a fluttering longing to arise and go southward.
I feel that something beautiful--some wide splendid ecstasy is calling
me if I will only go to meet it. I can remember having that sensation
in my earliest childhood. In my dreams I often fly, with beautiful
swoopings and balancings, with sudden confident droppings, through the
elastic air, and sometimes I am in an enclosed place, beating my wings
against the bounds, knowing no other way to get out....
When I look at birds they seem to know me. Not in the way of a mere
creature who puts out crumbs in convenient breakfasting places, or
who brings strawberries to one's cage, but they meet my eye with
that familiarity one sees in the glance of brothers--a look of mutual
understanding. My own sense is of kinship of the closest character. I
understand how they regard things--what they think and feel. I wish I
could so concentrate my attention as to catch what this grimy little
citizen is saying to his fellow on the nearby ledge. If I could, what a
flood of other memories it would restore that are now dim and confused.
November 1.
John-a'-Dreams.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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