From that day on my life has been a nightmare of brooding and
apprehension, nor do I know how much is hideous truth and how much
madness. My great-grandmother had been a Marsh of unknown source whose
husband lived in Arkham--and did not old Zadok say that the daughter of
Obed Marsh by a monstrous mother was married to an Arkham man through
a trick? What was it the ancient toper had muttered about the likeness
of my eyes to Captain Obed's? In Arkham, too, the curator had told me I
had the true Marsh eyes. Was Obed Marsh my own great-great-grandfather?
Who--or _what_--then, was my great-great-grandmother? But perhaps
this was all madness. Those whitish-gold ornaments might easily
have been bought from some Innsmouth sailor by the father of my
great-grandmother, whoever he was. And that look in the staring-eyed
faces of my grandmother and self-slain uncle might be sheer fancy,
bolstered up by the Innsmouth shadow which had so darkly colored my
imagination. But why had my uncle killed himself after an ancestral
quest in New England?
For more than two years I fought off these reflections with partial
success. My father secured me a place in an insurance office, and
I buried myself in routine as deeply as possible. In the winter of
1930-31, however, the dreams began. They were very sparse and insidious
at first, but increased in frequency and vividness as the weeks went
by. Great watery spaces opened out before me, and I seemed to wander
through titanic sunken porticos and labyrinths of weedy cyclopean walls
and grotesque fishes as my companions. Then the _other shapes_ began to
appear, filling me with nameless horror the moment I awoke. But during
the dreams they did not horrify me at all--I was one with them; wearing
their unhuman trappings, treading their aqueous ways, and praying
monstrously at their evil sea-bottom temples.
There was much more than I could remember, but even what I did remember
each morning would be enough to stamp me as a madman or a genius if
ever I dared write it down. Some frightful influence, I felt, was
seeking gradually to drag me out of the sane world of wholesome life
into unnameable abysses of blackness and alienage; and the process
told heavily on me. My health and appearance grew steadily worse, till
finally I was forced to give up my position and adopt the static,
secluded life of an invalid. Some odd nervous affliction had me in its
grip, and I found myself at times almost unable to shut my eyes.
It was then that I began to study the mirror with mounting alarm. The
slow ravages of disease are not pleasant to watch, but in my case there
was something subtler and more puzzling in the background. My father
seemed to notice it, too, for he began looking at me curiously and
almost affrightedly. What was taking place in me? Could it be that I
was coming to resemble my grandmother and uncle Douglas?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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