"Very well, here is a constructive criticism," declared Col. Roosevelt, tossing another grenade into the administration trenches. The Colonel is our favorite constructive critic. After he has finished a bit of construction it takes an hour for the dust to settle. * * * Judgment day will be a complete performance for the dramatic critics. They will be able to stay for the last act. * * * Why is it that when a woman takes the measurements for a screen door she thinks she has to allow a couple of inches to turn in? * * * "Woman Lights 103 Candles With One Match." Huh! Helen, with one match, lit the topless towers of Ilium. * * * It may be--nay, it is--ungallant so to say, but---- Well, have you, in glancing over the beauty contest exhibits, observed a face that would launch a thousand ships? Or five hundred? * * * "Learn to Speak on Your Feet," advertises a university extension. We believe we could tell all we know about ours in five hundred words. * * * GOOD NIGHT! [From the Omaha Bee.] Mrs. Riley gave a retiring party in honor of her husband. * * * At the Hotel Dwan, in Benton Harbor, "rooms may be had en suite or connecting." Or should you prefer that they lead one into another, the management will be glad to accommodate you. * * * Government census blanks read on top of sheet: "Kindly fill out questions below." One of the questions is: "Can you read? Can you write? Yes or No?" This reminds a Minneapolis man of the day when he was about 15 miles from Minneapolis and read on a guide post: "15 miles to Minneapolis. If you cannot read, ask at the grocery store." * * * The wave of spiritualism strikes Mr. Leacock as absurd, simply absurd. "And yet people seem to be going mad over it," he adds. What do you mean "and yet," Stephen? Don't you mean "consequently"? * * * A Joliet social item mentions the engagement of Miss Lucille Muff De Line. We don't recall her contribution. Gilded Fairy Tales. (_Revised and regilded for comprehension by the children of the very rich._) THE BABES IN THE WOOD. I Once upon a time there dwelt in a small but very expensive cottage on the outskirts of a pine forest a gentleman with his wife and two children. It was a beautiful estate and the neighborhood was the very best. Nobody for miles around was worth less than five million dollars. One night the gentleman tapped at his wife's boudoir, and receiving permission to enter, he said: "Pauline, I have been thinking about our children. I overheard the governess say to-day that they are really bright and interesting, and as yet unspoiled. Perhaps if they had a fair chance they might amount to something."