eye, does not remove his hat when I come down into the parlour.
Sometimes, when the weather is bad, he presumes to grumble, and,
although the smell of tobacco makes me sick, he lights his pipe in the
railway carriage, and smokes without asking my leave. I would rather die
than make any observation upon this, because I had once complained of my
stepfather's valet, a vile fellow whom they made out to be in the right
as against me, and I then and there resolved that never again would I
expose myself to a similar affront. Besides, I had already suffered too
much, and thus to suffer teaches one to feel contempt. The train
proceeds, and I do not exchange a dozen words with the fellow. I know
that I am regarded as proud and unamiable; but the same bent of mind
which made me sullen when quite a child, now makes me take a pleasure in
displeasing those whom I dislike. Amid silence and the reek of coarse
tobacco, we reach the Montparnasse Station, where no carriage ever
awaits me, no matter how bad the weather may be. We take the Boulevard
Latour-Maubourg, and pass by the long avenues lined with buildings,
hospitals, and bric-à-brac shops, turn down by the Church of Saint
François Xavier, cross the Place des Invalides, and reach the door of
our hotel. I hate the concierge, also a creature of M. Termonde's, and
his broad flat face, in which I read hostility which is no doubt
absolute indifference. But everything transforms itself into a sign of
enmity, to my mind, from the faces of the servants, even to the aspect
of my own room. M. Termonde has taken my own dear old room from me; a
large handsome room, which used to be flooded with sunshine, with a
window opening on the garden, and a door communicating with my mother's
apartment. I now occupy a sort of large closet, with a northern aspect
and no view except that of a wood-stack. When I reach home on those
Sunday mornings, I have to go straight to this room and wait there until
my mother has risen and can receive me. No one has taken the trouble to
light a fire; so I ask for one, and while the servant is blowing at the
logs, I take a chair, and gaze at the portrait of my father, which is
now banished to my quarters after having figured for so long upon an
easel draped with black, in my mother's morning-room. The odour of damp
wood in process of kindling is mingled with the musty flavour of the
room, which has been shut up all the week. I have some bitter moments to
pass there. These mean miseries make me feel the moral forsakenness of
my position more keenly, more cruelly. And my mother lives, she breathes
at the distance of a few steps from me; yes, and she loves me!
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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