The fires in his heart seemed to die. He felt bruises where Len had
struck him, but they galled him no longer; the half-forgotten peace and
liberty of other days was beginning to drift like a shower into his
breast. Why could he not live always in the woods, instead of among
people whom he hurt and who hurt him, though he loved them and they
loved him? There was no love in the woods--love had passed out of them
in September, leaving them very quiet, very peaceful, in a great brown
hush of sleep. Love was what hurt in life--love and brains; take away
these and you take away suffering. Oh, if love and thought could go
together out of his life as they had gone out of the woods--and leave
him in a great brown hush of sleep.
For nearly an hour he lay in the brake, hidden by golden tangles of
bracken and stiff clumps of tansy. He had begun to drowse, and capture
rags of happiness in dreams, when suddenly he heard a rustling in the
bushes. Hang it all! He could not have peace, even in the woods. The
rustling came nearer, and he heard the panting of a dog--with a mumbled
oath he sat up in the fern.
"Oh!..."
Nigel's head and shoulders were not a reassuring sight to confront one
suddenly on a lonely woodland walk, and though Tony did not scream her
voice was full of alarm. At first Nigel did not recognise her, she
stirred up in him merely impersonal feelings of annoyance, but the next
moment he seemed to see her face in a glow of lamplight on East
Grinstead platform. This was the lone girl-kid he had befriended--and
thought no more of since then.
"I beg your pardon," he said hastily, scrambling to his feet, "I'm
afraid I startled you."
"Oh, no"--she looked awkward and embarrassed. "You're Mr. Smith, aren't
you?"
Nigel stared at her in some bewilderment, then suddenly remembered
another of the half-forgotten incidents of that night.
"Yes--I'm Smith," he said slowly. "I--I hope you got home all right in
the taxi."
"Quite all right, thank you--and mother said I ought to be very grateful
to you for taking such care of me."
There was something about this school-girl, who evidently took him for a
man of her own class and position, which filled him with an infinite
pain--a pain that was half a wistful pleasure. She stood before him in
the path, a slim, unripe promise of womanhood, her long hair plaited
simply on her back, her face glowing with health, her eyes bright and
shy. He felt unfit, uncouth--and yet she did not seem to see anything
strange in his appearance, sudden as it had been. He realised that now
at last he was face to face with a human being between whom and him the
barrier of his disgrace did not stand. This child did not exalt him for
his evil story, neither did she despise him--his crime simply did not
exist. Its hideousness was not tricked out with tinsel and scarlet, as
by the cads in the bar--it was just invisible, put away. Strange words
thrilled faintly into his mind--"the remission of sins."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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