nothing more to snap at, also disappears from view._) [Illustration] [Illustration: THE VENTRILOQUIAL CHAMPIONS COPYRIGHT] DIALOGUE FOR A PAIR OF VENTRILOQUIAL CHAMPIONS. _See Illustration._ PERFORMER. Well, my little boys, can you talk? JOEY. Yes; I can talk. FREDDY. And I can talk, too. PERF. Since you can talk, will you please tell me your names? FRED. Well, my name is Freddy. JOEY. And call me Joey. PERF. Well, Joey, how do you feel? JOEY. Well, I don't feel very well. PERF. Don't feel very well? JOEY. No. PERF. What appears to be the matter with you? JOEY. Well, I was out in the rain, and I caught cold. PERF. Out in the rain and caught cold? JOEY. Yes. FRED. I say, Mr. Valentine. PERF. Yes, Freddy. FRED. What good is the rain? PERF. What good is the rain! FRED. Yes. PERF. The rain, my boy, has a tendency of bringing everything up from the ground. JOEY. Well I hope it won't bring my old woman up. PERF. (_with surprise_). What? Your old woman! You don't mean to say you were ever married! JOEY. Yes, I was, once. PERF. You are but a little boy. You don't look old enough to have been ever married. JOEY. I am older than you think I am. PERF. How old a man are you? JOEY. I am more than twenty years old. PERF. Do you pretend to say that you were born twenty years ago? JOEY. I do. PERF. I don't believe it. JOEY (_looks in PERFORMER'S face_). Was you there? PERF. No. JOEY. Well, I was. PERF. Then, if you was there, you must know all about it. JOEY. I do. PERF. You are a pretty good speller, are you not, Joey? JOEY. Yes, and I can count, too. PERF. You can count! I'll just try you. What do two and two make? JOEY. Please to give me a harder one than that. PERF. Four and four? JOEY. Eight. PERF. Twice eight? JOEY. Sixteen. PERF. Ten and ten? JOEY. Twenty. PERF. Good, so far, Joey, but I shall catch you soon. JOEY. No, you won't. PERF. Well, we shall see. Twice eleven? JOEY. Twenty. PERF. Wrong. Ah, Joey! I've caught you this time. Twice ten was twenty. JOEY. And twice eleven is twenty, too (two). PERF. Right, Joey; you are getting smart. Can you spell milk? JOEY. You must show me how. PERF. Will soon do that. M-i-l-k. JOEY. Milk. PERF. No; I want you to spell it. JOEY. M-i-l-k, milk. PERF. I will try you on another. Spell sugar. JOEY. S-e-g-a-r, segar. PERF. That's wrong. Not segar--sugar, I want you to spell. JOEY. That was right. S-e-g-a-r, segar. PERF. No, no! What does my wife put in my tea in the morning? JOEY. Ah! now I know. Whisky. Is that what it spells? PERF. (_waiting a few seconds for the applause to quiet down, says_). Smart again, Joey. I'll try you yet on another. Constantinople. JOEY. Oh, Jerushua! What an hard 'un! PERF. Well, Joey, I will help you. Now, right after me. Con. JOEY. Con. PERF. Stan. JOEY. Stan. PERF. Ti. JOEY. Ti. PERF. No. JOEY. No. PERF. Ple.