PODB. (_reading aloud, with comments_). "For really to conceive the infinite divisibility of matter is mentally to follow out the divisions to infinity, and to do this would require infinite time." You're right _there_, old cock, and, as I haven't got it to spare, I won't trouble you!--um--um ... "opposite absurdities"--"subjective modifications" ... "ultimate scientific ideas, then, are all representative of ideas that cannot be comprehended." I could have told _him_ that. What bally rot this Philosophy is--but I suppose I must peg away at it. Didn't she say she was sorry I didn't go in more for cultivating my mind? (_He looks up._) Jove, here she comes! and yes, there's that beggar Culchard with her! I thought he'd--how the dickens did he manage to----? I see what _he's_ after--thinks he'll cut me out--twice over--but he shan't this time, if I can help it. CULCH. (_to_ MISS HYPATIA PRENDERGAST). No, the Modern Spirit is too earnestly intent upon solving the problems of existence to tolerate humour in its literature. Humour has served a certain purpose in its day, but that day is done, and I for one cannot pretend to regret its decay. MISS H. P. Nor I. In fact, the only humour I ever _really_ appreciated is that of the ancient classics. There has been no true fun since Aristophanes died. At least, _I_ think not. PODB. (_catching the last sentence_). Oh, I say, come, Miss Prendergast. Have you ever read _The Jumping Frog_? MISS P. I was under the impression that _all_ frogs jumped. But I never read--I--ah--_study_. PODB. (_declining to be crushed_). Well, I call Mark Twain funny anyhow. But _I'm_ going in for study now. I am--honour bright! I'm swotting up Spencer--look! [_He exhibits the volume proudly._ [Illustration: PODBURY GRAPPLING WITH THE EPITOME OF SPENCER.] MISS P. And are you not enchanted by the logical lucidity of that great thinker? PODB. Um--I should be more enchanted if I ever had the faintest notion what the great thinker was driving at. Look here--here's a simple little sentence for you! (_Reads._) "Let us therefore bear in mind the following:--That of the whole incident force affecting an aggregate, the effective force is that which remains after deducting the non-effective, that the temporarily effective and the permanently effective vary inversely, and that the molar and molecular changes wrought by the permanently effective force also vary inversely." (_With pathos._) And that's only in an _Epitome_, mind you! MISS P. Really, Mr. Podbury, I see nothing particularly incomprehensible in that. CULCH. (_with his superior smile_). My dear Podbury, you can hardly expect to master the Spencerian phraseology and habit of thought without at least _some_ preliminary mental discipline! PODB. (_nettled_). Oh--but _you_ find him plain-sailing enough, I suppose? CULCH. I have certainly not encountered any insuperable difficulties in his works as _yet_.